Humor

5 Reasons You Will Never Be Internet Famous

1. You can’t quite master that sophisticated recipe for French macaroons that you found on Pinterest.

And by that I mean your feeble attempts at cooking involve microwaving a bowl of spaghettios after slicing your finger open on the can lid. And now that you’ve found that perfect temperature combination of lava hot around the edges and still cold in the middle, you’re scrubbing out the top of the microwave since you forgot to put a paper towel on top of the bowl and you’ve now got saucey goodness splattered all over the damn thing.

It’s also fair to note that you would likely attempt to lick it off if you weren’t so afraid your roommate/boyfriend/whoever-the-fuck might catch you.

2. You’ll never be as witty or provocative as the writers of thought catalog.

Sure, you’ve been know to get a laugh or two over drinks, and of course you find yourself laughing hard enough to pee a little when you’re in your bedroom judging the crap out of your Facebook friends. But let’s be real. In attempts to display this astounding wit, you’ve taken to twitter, tumblr, and even frequent status updates. And you just don’t get why you only managed one stinkin’ like from a pseudo-sister of your crappy sorority. You bury your shame in a massive glass of cheap moscato and delete all of your embarrassment. Nobody will ever know you said that thing that one time and it wasn’t even funny. Haha, just kidding. Everyone knows it. Accept it.

You’re no Daniel Tosh, honey, and twitter is not amateur night at the comedy club. Leave it to the pros, and join the rest of us in retweet heaven.

3. You’ve realized your coveted Pinterest imaginary closet is actually perfect for you…. If you starved yourself for the next 10 months and suddenly moved to the upper east side. 

So maybe those patterned tights didn’t really go so well with the plaid shirt you stole from your boyfriend. And maybe you didn’t find the perfect balance between looking effortlessly adorable like a celebrity running errands and looking like you’ve been rummaging the good will for a little too long.

There’s no shame in this game. If I blogged my outfits of the day everyday, instead of just instagramming the “cute” ones, it would be a repeat of those sweatpants with the stain from god knows what, and a variety of t-shirts that my boyfriend has not and will not ever get back.

Being cute isn’t for lazy people. Turns out love handles aren’t that lovable, even if they’re designer. No amount of dieting would make that outfit Alessandra Ambrosio wore running errands two days ago look the same on you. And that’s a-okay. Body positive my friends. And also wallet positive because who can really afford that crap anyway.

One last thing, half of the things I’ve pinned would earn me some very strange looks on the streets of Monterey. I guess runway ready doesn’t really translate to real life. Who knew?

4. DIY… Ain’t nobody got time for that.

No really. Those homemade Christmas ornaments are super effing cute. As are the reupholstered mismatched dining chairs, the hand stitched quilt, and the readable advent calendar. But who the hell am I? Martha friggin Stewart?! Nope. I got stuff to do. Like sit on my butt watching Game of Thrones reruns. Kbye.

Plus, have you ever thought “Oh, I’ll save so much money if I make this myself” ??

Not. Even. True.

5. Your diet before and after photos look more like “Before: me full of determination and motivation to actually follow diet. After: me three pounds heavier with mascara tears and an empty carton of Ben & Jerry’s.”

No really though. I’m convinced all those fitness bloggers are satanists. You find a great diet. You start it all hopeful that’s it’s really the one. Then bam! Coldstone Creameries and Taco Bells start springing up out of nowhere! And that’s just rude.

Have you ever heard a cheesy gordita crunch singing your name? If your answer is no, you’re a big fat freaking liar and there’s a special place in hell for you.

Skinny girls with discipline, power to you. But me? I’m sitting on my bed crying because I don’t have a cheesy gordita crunch. Dang.

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