I want a thousand different jobs and will probably hold zero of them.

My life is a series of events caused by indecision and eagerness to succeed at everything I do. In high school I thought I had it all figured out. I fell in love with chemistry and a boy (who also loved chemistry), and from there my college plans were set in stone. We would both be chem majors at the University of Delaware, study together, move out together, and our life together would fall into place. And we did just that, until the funds ran low and I fell out of love; with chemistry first, and the boy later.

It wasn’t like I had failed. I was actually a teaching assistant with a great GPA and I’m sure plenty of opportunity. But I wasn’t inspired. I wouldn’t find my future in a lab. Moving forward, I think I tried everything I possibly could have. I attended two more colleges: Rutgers University and Ramapo College of New Jersey. My majors included biochemistry (pre-med), neuroscience, exercise science, business, psychology, photography, and drawing & painting. I also applied to many schools in between for archaeology, art history, culinary arts, and fashion design. Now, I’m 23, broke, and in the Army without a degree or a clue.

I quickly realized that I want too many things. And this has not changed at all. I want to be a tattoo artist. I want to own a bakery AND a bar. I want to plan weddings. I want to be an interior designer. I just want a job making things pretty. Sometimes I don’t want a job at all: I just want to raise babies and have a pretty, happy home.

But now, I want to go for something. To actually try to get one of these jobs I want so badly. But I am full of so much anxiety about each and every one.

Tattoo artists are probably the most incredible people in the world to me. They’re insanely detailed and impressive artists and then they take that ability and transfer it permanently onto another person’s skin. Is that not the most impressive thing you’ve ever heard of? I’m constantly afraid that I’ll never be good enough to do the job, and that friggin’ sucks because it’s the job I want most of all. But okay, even if my portfolio by some miracle of sweet sweet Jesus gets accepted by a good artist or shop, there’s the fact that apprenticeships actually cost you money. And you don’t get paid. And even if you get through an apprenticeship, there’s a good chance you’ll fail. I don’t like these odds…

A bakery… that’s simple enough. I know how to bake, am always excited to try new recipes, and well shit, I just love cupcakes, okay? But the problem with a bakery is you have to come up with the startup costs. Rent is not cheap. Kitchens are not cheap. And oh, there are always health inspectors and all that jazz. Plus, a bakery has to have the right location. You can’t just set one up in a random spot and think you’re going to do good business. Practical career? Hm. Debatable.

A bar. Me and my fiancé want to run our own bar SO BAD. But as we both have copious amounts of student loan debt, and are struggling to keep our heads above water, we might as well kiss that dream goodbye. Do you know the cost of a liquor license? Holy shitballs, Batman.  Not a chance.

Wedding Planner. Definitely. JLo did it. But honestly, unless you’re living in like… Manhattan with the socialites, don’t bother, because your business is going to be slooOOOOOOWWWWWW.

Interior designing is honestly even sadder than wedding planning. Like who on Earth has money for that? Just stop.

Finally, housewifey status. This is the most attainable of all these weirdo jobs I want because, with a hubby in the military, it isn’t that out of the ordinary to stay home and raise the kids. My favorite part about this one is I can make art, and design my house, and plan weddings all while at home. Homemaker of the year, betches.

Here’s my little bit of advice if you’re an indecisive little bitch like me: Find something that makes you happy as early as you can. High school if you can swing it. Don’t feel the need to be an elitist and go to an expensive school if you’re not sure about your future plans. Go for something. Even if it seems unattainable. (When I’m a tattoo artist, you’ll all hear more from me).


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