Humor

The Miracle of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is beautiful. There are few things as perfect and wonderful as creating another human being. You get to be a vessel for a human life. Tell me… What’s more beautiful than that?

Oh, I know.

Being able to stay up past 9pm.

Not running out in the middle of work to puke your guts up.

Your pre-baby belly.

Being able to button your pants.

Not being a crazy hormonal little bitch to your husband.

Eating Chipotle and Chinese food, because holy crap no thanks anymore.

Having nice hair.

Redbull on Mondays.

The energy to make it to the gym.

Not crying during every single Glee rerun.

Going out for drinks on Friday night.

That drunk cigarette.

Sleeping on your tummy.

Listen, I know it’s worth it. When I hold my tiny little baby in my arms, all of these things will seem so trivial. But holy hell body, why do you hate me just because there’s a little alien creature inside of you? Jeez. Selfish.

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Life

Help Me Name My Tiny Human

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So my husband and I have been going over and over names and found that we like too many girls names and no boys names. We’ve got a list going, but there are no clear favorites.

Obviously we don’t know the sex yet, but were entering the second trimester so it’s time to get serious. Help us out!

Girls

Charlie Raegan
Sloane Harper
Kerrigan Lily
Kingsley Mara
Ailish Olivia
Paisley Kay
Caroline Ainsley

Boys

Henry Flynn
Owen Reilly
Renley James
Macon Andrew
Jameson Caleb
Emerson Enoch

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Life

I want a thousand different jobs and will probably hold zero of them.

My life is a series of events caused by indecision and eagerness to succeed at everything I do. In high school I thought I had it all figured out. I fell in love with chemistry and a boy (who also loved chemistry), and from there my college plans were set in stone. We would both be chem majors at the University of Delaware, study together, move out together, and our life together would fall into place. And we did just that, until the funds ran low and I fell out of love; with chemistry first, and the boy later.

It wasn’t like I had failed. I was actually a teaching assistant with a great GPA and I’m sure plenty of opportunity. But I wasn’t inspired. I wouldn’t find my future in a lab. Moving forward, I think I tried everything I possibly could have. I attended two more colleges: Rutgers University and Ramapo College of New Jersey. My majors included biochemistry (pre-med), neuroscience, exercise science, business, psychology, photography, and drawing & painting. I also applied to many schools in between for archaeology, art history, culinary arts, and fashion design. Now, I’m 23, broke, and in the Army without a degree or a clue.

I quickly realized that I want too many things. And this has not changed at all. I want to be a tattoo artist. I want to own a bakery AND a bar. I want to plan weddings. I want to be an interior designer. I just want a job making things pretty. Sometimes I don’t want a job at all: I just want to raise babies and have a pretty, happy home.

But now, I want to go for something. To actually try to get one of these jobs I want so badly. But I am full of so much anxiety about each and every one.

Tattoo artists are probably the most incredible people in the world to me. They’re insanely detailed and impressive artists and then they take that ability and transfer it permanently onto another person’s skin. Is that not the most impressive thing you’ve ever heard of? I’m constantly afraid that I’ll never be good enough to do the job, and that friggin’ sucks because it’s the job I want most of all. But okay, even if my portfolio by some miracle of sweet sweet Jesus gets accepted by a good artist or shop, there’s the fact that apprenticeships actually cost you money. And you don’t get paid. And even if you get through an apprenticeship, there’s a good chance you’ll fail. I don’t like these odds…

A bakery… that’s simple enough. I know how to bake, am always excited to try new recipes, and well shit, I just love cupcakes, okay? But the problem with a bakery is you have to come up with the startup costs. Rent is not cheap. Kitchens are not cheap. And oh, there are always health inspectors and all that jazz. Plus, a bakery has to have the right location. You can’t just set one up in a random spot and think you’re going to do good business. Practical career? Hm. Debatable.

A bar. Me and my fiancé want to run our own bar SO BAD. But as we both have copious amounts of student loan debt, and are struggling to keep our heads above water, we might as well kiss that dream goodbye. Do you know the cost of a liquor license? Holy shitballs, Batman.  Not a chance.

Wedding Planner. Definitely. JLo did it. But honestly, unless you’re living in like… Manhattan with the socialites, don’t bother, because your business is going to be slooOOOOOOWWWWWW.

Interior designing is honestly even sadder than wedding planning. Like who on Earth has money for that? Just stop.

Finally, housewifey status. This is the most attainable of all these weirdo jobs I want because, with a hubby in the military, it isn’t that out of the ordinary to stay home and raise the kids. My favorite part about this one is I can make art, and design my house, and plan weddings all while at home. Homemaker of the year, betches.

Here’s my little bit of advice if you’re an indecisive little bitch like me: Find something that makes you happy as early as you can. High school if you can swing it. Don’t feel the need to be an elitist and go to an expensive school if you’re not sure about your future plans. Go for something. Even if it seems unattainable. (When I’m a tattoo artist, you’ll all hear more from me).

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Life, Technology

iPhone Apps I Need to Survive

1. MyFitnessPal

Literally my favorite diet/exercise app out there, and trust me I’ve used a LOT. (Honorable mention goes to Lose It!) However, I am obsessed with MFP, and here’s why: HUUUUGE food library. I don’t always track calories, but when I do I’m using MFP. They have the biggest selection of foods I’ve seen in an app, including grocery store foods and restaurant foods. Also, the barcode scanner is a must have for me. They also have a simple input for exercise although it’s not the greatest feature. I track my cardio on it, but there is not much on there for weightlifting. (It’s okay; I have another app for that!) Anyway, MFP keeps me on track and I’m super grateful for it. Writing in a journal is just so 2001.

2. MetricMe

If you’re big on lifting, this app is your best friend. It has basically every exercise you can think of, including heavy lifts, free weights, and even machines (if you’re into that). You can set goals, keep track of progress, and it makes it really easy to create routines that you will repeat. Get your pump, MetricMe’s got you.

3. Key Ring

This is my favorite thing that nobody seems to know about. You scan all those little friggin key tag discount cards into the app, so you can kiss your ginormous key ring goodbye. Super simple, super convenient. I always have my discount/rewards cards on me, every time. No looking up numbers or digging through your purse like a mad woman.

4. Ovia

Whether you’re trying to get knocked the eff up, or you just constantly forget your last period and look like a retard at every doctor’s visit, this app is phenomenal. You input your personal information and it estimates periods, ovulation, and fertility windows. But the amount of stuff you can input is really impressive. Every day has places for period, symptoms, food, BBT, OPKs, and HPTs. God, I forget everything and this app is the end of that nonsense. Boom, boom, POW. (Microsoft Word decided this should be capitalized, and I just had to allow it).

5. Spotify

I used to like Pandora, and StereoMood, and lord knows I was obsessed with Songza. But Spotify is my one true musical love. First off, it’s free, although I pay the $10 a month for the ability to use more than just the radio function on my phone. But you can use it on the computer, iPad, iPhone, etc. And you can use it as a database to look up any song you want, or use the radio, or playlists, or create your own playlists. It’s like iTunes but you don’t have to pay for the music.

6. Hulu Plus

I’m not usually one to watch shows on my phone because that shit is tiny and also you’re kind of weird if you’re just watching movies all over the place… But alas, Hulu Plus is on here because it gets me through the worst of cardio when I have the motivation of a hibernating bear. Whenever I don’t feel like I can go for very long, I just pop in my headphones and watch a TV show. (Usually Glee, but don’t judge me). And suddenly you’ve been doing cardio for like an hour and who even knew?

7. The Bump

If you’re knocked up, hi hi hello. Get this app. Because when you have 32574938768956985 questions and you’re a nervous wreck, this app has the answers. The forums on it are seriously so great. The ladies (and even men!) are super supportive and helpful and I just can’t say enough.

8. Flipagram

I just think this is the coolest. Choose a bunch of your pictures and create sweet little flipbook/movies out of them. And my favorite is the automatic timing for Instagram.

9. UrbanSpoon (Emily’s addition)

urban spoon

The best feature is the price range and seeing what is open at the moment. I hate looking up restaurants on Yelp, only to find out they’re closed on Sundays. You can browse by cuisine, price, schedule, and what’s popular in your area. Yum.

10. The Knot (Emily’s addition)

the knot

A personalized countdown until your wedding, a custom to-do list, and a budget checklist; this app is perfect for every bride-to-be. You can bookmark your favorite hair styles and floral arrangements, and keep track of all your venders by selecting them from the list. Pretty much every bridal vendor in every variety is available for selection, unless you live in Podunk Backwoods, AL.

These recommendations are entirely our own, and we are not receiving any endorsements from anyone in order to share them.

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Love

To you, for loving me.

You love me when I’m happy, when it’s easy. When I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe or, dare I say it, I snort. When I’m cuddly and kissy and just want to be touched. When I’m joking and watching so-bad-its-funny horror movies with you and scratching your head, back or various other body parts.

You love me when I’m sad. Not just sad, but like… pathetically sobbing, feeling like I’ll never be okay again sad. When all I do is push you away. When I can’t see and my nose is running and I am just an all-around crabby little asshole. When I have no goddamn clue why I’m in hysterics, you love me anyway.

You love me when I’m feeling fat. When I pull and tag at every bit of chub and loose skin, as if pulling it tight will make it stay that way. When I can’t fit into my jeans, so I wear the same pair of sweatpants every day consecutively for like a week. When I have to try on everything in my closet and have a full-out temper tantrum because I don’t like my body or anything I own to cover it up. You love me when I’ve gained ten pounds, even though I might as well have gained 100 with the way I’m acting.

You love me when I try to lose 30 pounds. When I’m supposed to diet and you’re supposed to be “helping” me, but every time you open your mouth about it I get super offended and bite your friggin’ head off. You love me when I fail, and when I complain about the gym. You love me even though I’m intolerable when I’m hungry.

You love me when I get mad at you for making jokes about other girls. When I get so jealous that even I can’t stand myself. When I can’t take a joke, or freak out about you calling me a mean name in a totally 100% joking manner.

You love me when I’m crazy. Wedding crazy. Baby crazy. Puppy crazy. ALL the crazy. When I’ve spent the past two hours obsessing to you over something you don’t give a single crap about. When I makes plans for us that you want no part of, you go anyway.

You love me when I say stupid things and hurt you. When it blows up, way out of proportion, into a screaming match. You love me when I apologize profusely, even though most of the time you know it won’t change. When you know it will happen again. You love me when it takes me a long time to get over it, and when it takes you a long time to get over it.

You love me when I can’t keep my hands off you. When I’m high on you. When all I want is be next to you for the rest of forever.

You love me whether it is easy or hard. Whether I deserve it or not. All the time.

You love me. And I love you. Unconditionally.

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Fitness

Point/Counterpoint: Waking Up Early to Workout

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Point: When you’re too lazy to go after class, it’s fine because you already went.

Counterpoint: You will have more energy to go after class if you sleep in.

Point: You’re more pumped up and awake for the day after a quick workout.

Counterpoint: If you’re short on sleep your energy levels at the gym are loooooowwww.

Point: Once you’re there, you will forget you’re tired.

Counterpoint: Taking that first step out from under your covers is friggin impossible.

Point: Working out in the morning gets your metabolism working harder for the day.

Counterpoint: Except then you’re so hungry you could eat a horse.

Point: You feel healthier and like making better choices.

Counterpoint: You get discouraged when you don’t see enough progress and slip into a brownie filled relapse.

Point: Abs.

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Counterpoint: Pizza

Point: Dat ass.

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Counterpoint: Cake.

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Point: Legs.

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Counterpoint: Bacon.

Uhhh… This almost convinced me to stay in bed actually. But here’s a few pointers for the mornings when you’re feeling really sleepy, to get you there.

Set aside your gym clothes the night before.

When it’s effortless, you will be more inclined to get up. And pick cute gym clothes if you can. It’s more fun to go to the gym if you feel good about how you look when you’re there.

Convince your significant other or a friend to go with you.

Yes, 5AM is ungodly and sometimes you’ll still skip. But chances are better with two of you. One of you may be more motivated. Or maybe you’ll both say no and then feel guilty later. It’s a lot easier to go if someone is sharing your misery.

Plan the workout ahead of time.

Have a schedule you can stick to so you know what to do and when to do it. There’s no point getting up to go if you’re going to waste your time dicking around the weight room like a lost puppy. Also, this is another way to keep you accountable! If you skip too much you jack up the whole rotation.

Post about it on social media the night before.

Yeah, no one really gives a shit that you’re going to the gym. Some people might find it annoying. But I have serious love for this because if I say I’m going to do it the night before, online, where everyone can see it… I feel like I have to.

Take pictures, track workouts.

If you write down every one, your progress becomes more visible. You’ll be more inclined to keep it up.

Pre-workout.

On the days where you’d rather be in a coma, a little C4 will save you. I don’t really use it anymore because it made my face itchy, but it was truly astounding how much of a difference in energy I felt.

Finally, look at hot bitches and before and after photos and tell yourself you don’t want to look like Honey Boo Boo’s momma anymore.

Edit: I’d like to note that I skipped the gym the morning after writing this article… Oops.

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Humor, Life

Woes of the Broke, Newly Engaged, and Pinterest Addicted

Unlike my douche-canoe cowriter Emily (Kiss kiss, bb), I happen to care about the color of the bows on the back of the chairs at my reception. Do I think this means I’m forgetting the reasons for marriage? No. I think it means I’m a detail-oriented, maybe-a-little-bit-OCD former art major who relies very heavily on visual perception.  And you know what? I’m okay with it. I like that the teacups in my kitchen matter to me even though I don’t drink tea. I’m not sure how I went from wanting to be a hipster painter in a studio in the village to wanting to be Susie Homemaker, but hey! That’s my prerogative.

Have I allowed Pinterest to get the best of me? Yes. I have extensive boards of perfect homes, perfect food, perfect parties, and perfect weddings. Oh and even freakishly well-dressed babies. With these came the delusions that my life should look like this. Of course, I’m Martha freaking Stewart.

This is my confessional.

I paid $32 dollars on Etsy for six yellow teacups that perfectly matched the two yellow teacups that I got for $0.50 at a local thrift shop. WHAT.

I had a temper tantrum about my inability to afford a butter yellow Artisan KitchenAid mixer. I considered buying it even though I don’t yet have furniture.

I get irrationally angry at people who get to plan the details of their wedding, especially those who aren’t paying for them, mostly due to the fact that I’m getting married at a courthouse without a dress or a cake or anything. Eff you, military. That’s not how my Pinterest-perfect wedding was supposed to work.

I get offended by people who don’t like art. Sorry fiancé.

I spent weeks searching for saucers that were perfectly mismatched. Huh?

I plan people’s weddings in my head, down to the tiny details. Unasked. Do I tell them about it? Nope.

I made a handmade ornament for my non-existent Christmas tree. It HAD to be white-on-white. I refused to use other colors. Oh, okay.

I think about what the packaging should look like for the cupcakes I want to sell in the bakery I don’t have.

The amount of time I’ve spent looking at Anthropologie aprons is not okay under any circumstances. Which one is cuter though?

One day I’ll have the money to be Betty Crocker housewife perfection, right? Until then I’ll be over here obsessing and trying to be like Lauren Brimley. Bye haters.

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