Humor

The Miracle of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is beautiful. There are few things as perfect and wonderful as creating another human being. You get to be a vessel for a human life. Tell me… What’s more beautiful than that?

Oh, I know.

Being able to stay up past 9pm.

Not running out in the middle of work to puke your guts up.

Your pre-baby belly.

Being able to button your pants.

Not being a crazy hormonal little bitch to your husband.

Eating Chipotle and Chinese food, because holy crap no thanks anymore.

Having nice hair.

Redbull on Mondays.

The energy to make it to the gym.

Not crying during every single Glee rerun.

Going out for drinks on Friday night.

That drunk cigarette.

Sleeping on your tummy.

Listen, I know it’s worth it. When I hold my tiny little baby in my arms, all of these things will seem so trivial. But holy hell body, why do you hate me just because there’s a little alien creature inside of you? Jeez. Selfish.

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Humor, Life

Woes of the Broke, Newly Engaged, and Pinterest Addicted

Unlike my douche-canoe cowriter Emily (Kiss kiss, bb), I happen to care about the color of the bows on the back of the chairs at my reception. Do I think this means I’m forgetting the reasons for marriage? No. I think it means I’m a detail-oriented, maybe-a-little-bit-OCD former art major who relies very heavily on visual perception.  And you know what? I’m okay with it. I like that the teacups in my kitchen matter to me even though I don’t drink tea. I’m not sure how I went from wanting to be a hipster painter in a studio in the village to wanting to be Susie Homemaker, but hey! That’s my prerogative.

Have I allowed Pinterest to get the best of me? Yes. I have extensive boards of perfect homes, perfect food, perfect parties, and perfect weddings. Oh and even freakishly well-dressed babies. With these came the delusions that my life should look like this. Of course, I’m Martha freaking Stewart.

This is my confessional.

I paid $32 dollars on Etsy for six yellow teacups that perfectly matched the two yellow teacups that I got for $0.50 at a local thrift shop. WHAT.

I had a temper tantrum about my inability to afford a butter yellow Artisan KitchenAid mixer. I considered buying it even though I don’t yet have furniture.

I get irrationally angry at people who get to plan the details of their wedding, especially those who aren’t paying for them, mostly due to the fact that I’m getting married at a courthouse without a dress or a cake or anything. Eff you, military. That’s not how my Pinterest-perfect wedding was supposed to work.

I get offended by people who don’t like art. Sorry fiancé.

I spent weeks searching for saucers that were perfectly mismatched. Huh?

I plan people’s weddings in my head, down to the tiny details. Unasked. Do I tell them about it? Nope.

I made a handmade ornament for my non-existent Christmas tree. It HAD to be white-on-white. I refused to use other colors. Oh, okay.

I think about what the packaging should look like for the cupcakes I want to sell in the bakery I don’t have.

The amount of time I’ve spent looking at Anthropologie aprons is not okay under any circumstances. Which one is cuter though?

One day I’ll have the money to be Betty Crocker housewife perfection, right? Until then I’ll be over here obsessing and trying to be like Lauren Brimley. Bye haters.

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Humor

The Weird Shit You Do on the Internet That You Don’t Want Your Boyfriend to See

Or maybe you do, but only if he’s oddly into it. If he doesn’t see you as a obsessive freak, and thinks it’s strangely endearing. If you have that guy, keep him!

You’re not engaged, but you have 3 different wedding registries at Macy’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Target. Plus, you may or may not have just started your dream registry at Pottery Barn.

There’s no bun in your oven, but you’ve got a BabyList, complete with the details down to which cloth dipes you’re planning on buying.

Your One Direction fan blog. There is literally no cure for the embarrassment your creepy obsession with British teenagers is going to earn you.

That porno you skimmed through last week trying to inspire some creativity in the bedroom. Turns out you don’t really want to try any of those sexual acts with the names you can’t figure out like donkey punches and cream pies. What.

Your Google history, including every last embarrassing question. Early pregnancy symptoms, what to wear to impress your boyfriend on a date, weird body odors… all of it.

Your wedding board on Pinterest. The ring, the dress, the colors. You swear he’s going to propose any day now… wait, you don’t even have a boyfriend?

The list of things you’ve recently watched on Hulu Plus or Netflix. Maybe you spent 13 hours watching Glee reruns last weekend. Oops.

How much money you actually spent online shopping. No babe, it was totally on sale!

The constant internet stalking of every one of his exes. Haha, she got fat. And her new boyfriend is ugly. No shame.

How many selfies it actually takes to get the perfect one for Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and god knows what other social media sites are in existence. Sure, he thinks you’re pretty in that sweet new #SelfieSunday you posted, but if only he could see your outtakes. So seductive.

Just bury your head now.

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Humor, Life

8 Reasons Quitting Smoking is Harder Than Organic Chemistry

In all fairness, this has nothing to organic chemistry. I just had less trouble passing that devil class than I have in my various attempts at kicking this habit.

1. You replace the cigarette habit with other habits, which most often are worse than the original addiction.

No cigarettes? No problem! You’ll just buy four bags of chips, six chocolate bars, and two 20 ounce red bulls instead. Sugar free red bulls though, gotta watch your figure.

2. It’s almost impossible for a smoker to not smoke while drinking.

Drinks with the girls. Two jack and cokes in and you’re itching to step out and light up. Then your BFF Emily pulls a pack of camel menthol silvers out of her purse and starts packing them at the table, asking if anyone’s got a lighter. You’re done for.

3. Cigarettes in traffic.

The freeway is backed up for miles and your only instinct is to roll the window down, turn the music up, and smoke the stress away.

4. Cigarettes when you’re falling asleep while driving.

The windows down and music up just aren’t enough to keep you awake. You need that buzz. You resist the urge and next thing you know you’re swerving into the other lane.

5. All of your friends are smokers.

Who the hell do you sit with at the table in the restaurant when you’re out to dinner and every single person excuses themselves for a smoke? Haha you’re alone at BDubs, loser.

6. It’s easy to stop if you have a legit reason, but if you just want to stop cause it’s “healthier,” good fricken luck.

You’re knocked up? You’re sick as a dog? Your mom is in town and she doesn’t know you’re a friggin ashtray? No problem. Smoking just isn’t a thing. You want to quit because, you know, it’s healthy? Hahahahahaah. That’s amusing.

7. Somebody offers you one and you don’t want to be impolite.

You’re bestie needs a buddy to smoke, right? She can’t smoke alone. That’s like leaving her prone to attacks or something.

8. Cigarettes are your stress buster.

Everyone you work with is pissing you off, and you would normally go outside for a breather and a cigarette. Now what?

Screw this, give me a cigarette.

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Humor, Life

The Niagara Falls That is Consistently Flowing From My Tear Ducts

Secondary title: Why I Should Really Learn to Man Up and Stop Crying Like a Little Bitch.

You might be offended by my use of the term man up, but in all honesty, I’m not the most politically correct person. When it comes to sexism I find it hard to be. If a guy starts whining about something retarded, I’m always going to refer to him as a little girl. And when I say man up, I mean it.

How often do you see a man crying his eyes out? Probably less frequently than you get a hair cut. And I used to think that it was because society says they can’t… I’m not so sure I buy that anymore. I think they just have a lot healthier ways of dealing with stress.

If you don’t know me already, one could say I’m a leaky faucet. When I’m sad, I cry. When I’m angry, I cry. When I’m stressed, I cry. When I’m overly tired… You get the point. Yesterday I cried at a YouTube video of a dog surfing with a quadriplegic. I actually have cried over literal spilled milk.

It used to make me feel like I was weak. Now it just makes me annoyed with myself. Like, life would be a lot easier to handle if my eyes weren’t too watery to see and I could breathe. But I can’t stop. Without fail, I just break into tears to the point of hyperventilation.

I wish I was different.

I feel like if I didn’t cry so much it might actually mean something more. I don’t want to be a man. I have no hate for women. I just think that our hormones are bullshit. No, I’m not PMSing asshole, I’m just a crybaby all the time thanks.

Just like… Eyeballs can you not? Can we strike some kind of deal?

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Humor

Why the Yoga-Pants-Wearing, Pumpkin-Spice-Latte-Drinking White Girl Doesn’t Deserve Your Hate

Okay. It’s all over the internet.

if you say “pumpkin spice latte” in the mirror 3 times a white girl in yoga pants will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall

There’s tweets, and even an e-card. And I’ll admit I absolutely laughed. But here’s a confession: I am donning yoga pants and drinking all the PSLs I can get before they’re gone.

Have you ever even worn yoga pants?! That’s that shit I do like. There’s pretty much only three options for being comfortable and not looking like a complete slob. Yogas, leggings, and maxi skirts. And hello? Show me a guy who doesn’t like looking at butts in yoga pants. Seriously, just one complaint. You can’t because nope. Yoga pants do amazing things for your bootay. (For some shameless product placement, I pretty much will only purchase yogas from Victoria’s Secret).

And another thing… Pumpkin Spice Lattes might just be the most godly of any coffee beverage ever invented. If you don’t like pumpkin (like my dumbass co-writer) then go home, you’re drunk. Maybe you like Starbucks, maybe you don’t, but if you do, the cost is no different than your other stupid lattes. It’s not pretentious, it’s just friggin delicious. And if you don’t like tasty things then just need to leave because we can not ever be friends.

Finally, Fall is just the best season. Period. Comfy sweaters, thanksgiving noms, and crisp air that just smells like heaven. Seriously, call me the stereotypical white girl. I don’t really give a crap.

Is there a club for people like me? Sign me up.

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Humor

What Your Smoke of Choice Says About You

cigarette

Camel Turkish Golds

You probably look and/or act like a leprechaun and it is very possible that you’re more prone to love people with freckles. Some people might refer to you as a monkey. You enjoy being the little spoon and spend lots of time watching underground horror films on Netflix.

Marlboro Reds

Similar to those who smoke Turkish Golds, you enjoy lazy nights in. 30% of your diet is probably delivery Chinese food. You can pull off any hair style/color and you’re a real straight shooter. You are naturally good in school and have a “h8rz gonna h8” kind of attitude.

Camel Menthols

You are most likely easy-going, mild personality and not too crazy. You have a tendency to be indecisive. You like the simple but finer things in life and can carry a semi-dignified conversation. Your biggest downfall is that you like cheap beer.

Camel Menthol Silvers

You add a little bit of pep in your step when you realize there are still basic bitches smoking plain menthols. But you… you smoke silvers. This entails that you are one classy motherfucker. Your “non-smoking” friends usually bum from you, since everyone likes a classic and mild cigarette.

American Spirits

Basically, you want everyone to like you and for some reason, you think these will do the trick. Lots of Europeans smoke these so maybe you want people to think you’re cultured. But in reality, they’re popular across the pond because they have ‘America’ in the name so it seems cool to them. Cigar-ception.

Newports/Paul Malls

You like menthol but don’t feel like paying the extra dollar or two it costs to buy Camels—or you just want to appear hipster even if you can afford them. And since you enjoy the sensation of charred minty freshness in your throat, you probably also enjoy piss water such as PBR or Keystone Light.

Nat Shermans

If you shell out twice the price per pack for an extra skinny smoke, go you. Advertised as “The World’s Most Elegant Cigarette” clearly you are Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart’s secret millennial love child. Extra fancy-points if you choose Fantasias every now and again.

Black & Milds/Swishers

You probably started smoking these in high school because they were readily available since their rolling paper has a stigma for being used for other things. They taste nice and have as much tobacco in one as an entire pack of cigarettes. You will remain in this smoking rut until someone introduces you to a real brand.

Cigars/Pipe Tobacco

You were born 70 years too late & probably wear a fedora.

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