Life

Hello, Gorgeous.

 

Okay fine, I’ll accept that I’m not Fanny Brice (but a girl can dream, right? Rachel Berry does it…)

Or Ariel for that matter… What the heck, I’m blonde…

Anyway, it’s been a while. And by while I mean more than two months because apparently when a gal gets married these days, blogging no longer matters.

WRONG.

Just a little update:

  • I have a husband! HUSBAND. I mean he’s heading to our next base in 9 days, but who’s counting? (hint: me)
  • I’m working hard to get my fitness and nutrition in check (and by hard, I mean with the occasional cookie).
  • I finally quit smoking.
  • My husband (still can’t get over that word) and I replaced our Camel Menthol Silvers with these babies

PS, iTaste did not endorse me to say this, but, THESE ARE THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER. If your idea of an E-Cig is the crappy gas station ones that die after three days, I’m here to change your mind. There are endless flavor choices and you can gradually lower your nicotine intake. But hell, if I’m not smoking chemicals, I’m totally okay with being addicted to nicotine for the rest of my life. TheVaporChef has flavors like Nutella, Butter Beer and ‘Unicorn Poop’. I have only one word for these things — AMAZEBALLS.

You’ve probably read that my beautiful co-writer, Lyss, and her husband are expected a little peanut this Fall. I’m beyond excited for them! But we also found out we won’t be together when school is over, so that’s a bummer.

I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’m going to start blogging regularly again because my hobby habits are at an all time low. What’s a girl to do when she only has a week left with her new Hubby and will be apart for the first time since tying the knot?

Aside from that, life is good. I’m happy, healthy and excited for the new chapter in my life– and can’t wait to take you all with me.

Until next time, Gorgeous.

Standard
Life, Love

What I’ve Learned After Getting Engaged

Image

With my wedding rapidly approaching (22 days until THE day, to be exact), I’ve been doing some self-reflecting. Being in a loving, committed relationship while preparing to pledge yourself to one person for the rest of your life can take a small toll on your psych. While undoubtedly ecstatic and happy to be marrying the man of my dreams in less than one month, I’ve noticed some things—about my fiancé, myself, and the world in general.

I am most definitely an extrovert.

I’ve always known I was a people person. My parents were also active duty military so we moved around a lot… It was really easy to make new friends no matter where we went. I’ve never had any issues public speaking and when a matter needs to be spoken about, you can expect to hear my voice. My fiancé is very certainly an introvert. He can handle and even enjoy time with people and also has no problem making friends; but when it comes down to it, he likes his me time. This has only made me realize even more that I am an open book. With a few exceptions, I keep very little secret. Maybe this is something I should work on? Maybe it’s just how I am, everyone is different—right?

I am a whole-hearted morning person.

Teenagers love waking up at the butt crack of dusk, am I right? There’s something that clicks in a person after turning the big 1-3 that makes them scour at the beautiful early sunlight. Sleeping in until after lunch had already been made was practically a right of passage. I was never like that. Even during the summers, I woke up on my own, no later than 10 o’clock—11 o’clock if I had stayed up ungodly late the night prior. Adjusting to sleeping (and waking up) with someone is always a chore. Which side of the bed do you like? How warm do you like your blankets? Do you cuddle in your sleep? Does music need to be playing or must it be completely silent? My fiancé and I have been on the same page for pretty much all of the textbook sleeping habits—for that I am thankful. However… I am an Energizer Bunny in the morning. I’ll rustle in my sleep when first awoken, but after that, there’s no turning back. If Emily’s up, he’s up. I feel pretty bad about this; mainly on the nights we stay up until midnight or 1am watching American Horror Story. Without fail, I’ll be awake at 8 o’clock and want attention. Poor Jason is still trying to catch some Zzz’s. This one I will definitely have to work on.

Weddings are a bunch of hokey pokey.

I’m going to get crap for this one—so much crap. In fact, my mom will probably give me an earful. Oh well. WHAT’S THE BIG FREAKING DEAL, PEOPLE?! All I care about is my dress, the food, and the man who is standing up there with me. There are so many minute details that I can’t even imagine giving two shits about. What color will the floating candle centerpieces be? How many blue marbles will be at the bottom of the bowl? What style knot should the bows on the back of the chairs be? The next day, nobody will remember noticing these things. Who the hell cares? I’ll tell you who cares—the wedding venues who make out like bandits because they can charge you $20 extra per person depending on what kind of silverware you pick out for the dinner. Don’t get me wrong, my Maggie Sottero wedding gown is to die for. The custom 3-course menu we created with the caterers is going to be a huge party in my mouth. But other than looking your most beautiful and eating the best food ever; as long as you’re doing it with the most perfect man for you on this entire planet, all of the other bullshit shouldn’t matter.

Big diamonds are overrated—and terrifying.

Who says my hubby has to buy me a 1 carat certified diamond ring that is princess cut and costs a quarter of my 1 year old car?! That’s ridiculous. Not to mention, a HUGE load of responsibility. I am clumsy and forgetful. I break things, hurt myself and lose track of the simplest thoughts. Thinking about being responsible for other human being’s lives in the future is scary enough, why would I want the daily burden of getting my hand robbed of three months’ salary? No thanks. I never really got into Pinterest, but I can imagine bitches be like “omg dream engagement ring” and the thing costs five grand. Who are you planning on marrying, darling? Daddy Warbucks’ great grandson? Good luck. I have a beautiful white sapphire bridal set that is completely affordable. This goes along with the hokey pokey point—remember the reasons you’re doing this whole thing. LOVE.

Last but definitely not least, I AM SO MADLY IN LOVE.

I try not to include such specific details about my personal life in my posts; I think that keeps them relatable. But if you’re engaged/newlywed/going on 50 years, you can agree and relate to this. It’s that can’t sleep, can’t breathe, can’t eat without them feeling. You start and end every day knowing that you have found that person to be your other half, your partner in crime, for the rest of eternity.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Nora Ephron – When Harry Met Sally

Four months turned into a small number of days in the blink of an eye. That lady Nora knows her stuff, I couldn’t be more excited to start my life with such an incredible man. I spent a better portion of my life closing myself off from people, trying to convince everyone (including myself) that I didn’t need anyone to be happy– especially not a man. Finding the right person is scary, happy, confusing, beautiful and exciting all wrapped into one indescribable feeling. He teaches me new things about him, our love, the world, and myself every single day. I count my blessings and thank God for letting me love and be loved by such a wonderful person; and I plan on remembering just how special he is for the rest of my life.

Standard
Humor

The Weird Shit You Do on the Internet That You Don’t Want Your Boyfriend to See

Or maybe you do, but only if he’s oddly into it. If he doesn’t see you as a obsessive freak, and thinks it’s strangely endearing. If you have that guy, keep him!

You’re not engaged, but you have 3 different wedding registries at Macy’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Target. Plus, you may or may not have just started your dream registry at Pottery Barn.

There’s no bun in your oven, but you’ve got a BabyList, complete with the details down to which cloth dipes you’re planning on buying.

Your One Direction fan blog. There is literally no cure for the embarrassment your creepy obsession with British teenagers is going to earn you.

That porno you skimmed through last week trying to inspire some creativity in the bedroom. Turns out you don’t really want to try any of those sexual acts with the names you can’t figure out like donkey punches and cream pies. What.

Your Google history, including every last embarrassing question. Early pregnancy symptoms, what to wear to impress your boyfriend on a date, weird body odors… all of it.

Your wedding board on Pinterest. The ring, the dress, the colors. You swear he’s going to propose any day now… wait, you don’t even have a boyfriend?

The list of things you’ve recently watched on Hulu Plus or Netflix. Maybe you spent 13 hours watching Glee reruns last weekend. Oops.

How much money you actually spent online shopping. No babe, it was totally on sale!

The constant internet stalking of every one of his exes. Haha, she got fat. And her new boyfriend is ugly. No shame.

How many selfies it actually takes to get the perfect one for Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and god knows what other social media sites are in existence. Sure, he thinks you’re pretty in that sweet new #SelfieSunday you posted, but if only he could see your outtakes. So seductive.

Just bury your head now.

Standard
Life

Reasons I Would Prefer To Be A Man

 

Almost all the ideas we have about being a man or being a woman are so burdened with pain, anxiety, fear and self-doubt. For many of us, the confusion around this question is excruciating.” -Andrew Cohen

 mars

Men always complain about how cool it would be to have boobs to look at, you can make yourself more attractive with beauty products and a vast majority of other reasons. I’m perfectly content being a woman, but IMHO, being a dude has some pretty great advantages.

 

ABS COME SO NATURALLY

Women are so so so self-conscious about that little ring of pudge that hides right below our belly button. Did you know it’s biologically and chemically engrained in our hormones that it needs to be there? Even in the skinniest of girls, Mother Nature wants there to be a little pillow of warmth for when it comes time to bear a child. So unless you eat ice cubes and celery for six months while simultaneously spending 19 hours in the gym every day (you need like, at least 5 hours of sleep… right?) IT WILL BE THERE. Guys can run a few times a week and *bam* six-pack. I bite my thumb at you, Mother Nature.

NOBODY JUDGES YOU FOR LIKING SPORTS

I don’t know why it’s become a thing, but girls bite other girls’ heads off if she enjoys watching sports. Apparently, if you have a vagina, you can’t actually be interested in pigskins and wide receivers without be trying to blatantly impress a man. WROOOOONG. I can talk circles around my fiancé when it comes to sports, he’s more of a computer guy. Traditional interest, shmaditional shminterest. Why does it matter if girls want to sit down on a Saturday morning and finish a whole pan of 7-layer-bean dip while her Alma Mater destroys the rival team? It shouldn’t. Granted, there are some special bimbo offenders who can look up a few stats and regurgitate RedZone or Sports Center just to seem cute, but most of us could give two flying fishes if a dude notices we’re into the game. Some girls like sports, get over it.

THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET

Sorry not sorry, but I have to state the obvious. YOU CAN PEE WHEREVER YOU WANT. For women, it’s like a crash course that most of us never got—peeing anywhere other than a toilet is extremely difficult, and usually messy. If you get drunk and stumble out of the bar into an alley, as long as there aren’t cops around, you’re free to let it flow. However, girls’ use of the restroom (especially in bars) is near impossible. Not to mention, females flock to the bathroom in fucking herds. “I need to powder my nose and check if it’s time to change my tampon, I need my seven closest girl friends, my mother-in-law, probably my pet tortoise and a few doves for moral support.” Cheese and rice ladies, put your big girl panties on (or… take them off, I guess) and pee by yourself.

YOU CAN LITERALLY ROLL OUT OF BED

Every living, breathing, warm-blooded woman is a sucker for a sexy guy with bed head, tired eyes and a sleepy voice. Even when girls want to have the “just woke up and rolled out of bed” look, it takes like half an hour to accomplish. That messy bun? She re-messed it approximately four times until it did exactly what she wanted. Puffy lips and glowy eyes don’t just happen in real life—except maybe Cara Delevingne and Kate Upton. We might be angels in your mind, but trust me, we have to work to get there. My main problem with this is being in the military, men can shave the night before and wake up 10 minutes before they need to leave for work just to get into uniform. We have to make our hair perfect, and most of us wear makeup so we don’t look like complete trolls in our camis. Getting ready all around is just a time-consuming task and should probably be qualified as hard labor. Which brings me to my next point…

FROM SHOWER TO OUT THE DOOR TAKES 30 MINUTES

Obviously, this is a general blanket statement. Some guys only take 7 minutes, some take 45 (think Ted Mosby in HIMYM doing his hair before he leaves the apartment… pitiful). Even when men try to take a long time to get ready, there is just a sheer lack of numbers on your possible to-do list. We have to shower, shave, lotion, blow dry, style, brush teeth, do makeup, pick an outfit, put on perfume, and then do the last primping and fluffing. Guys have to shower, (maybe shave), cologne, throw on clothes, possibly use a little product on your hair, brush your teeth, then go. We don’t want to do these things. Nobody wants to spend 2 hours from start to finish, only to be outside of the house for the same time it took to get ready. Society makes us do it. I’ll take a lazy day where the extent of my adventures are bumming it to Safeway for some Karamel Sutra and a RedBox movie over a fancy, glamorous evening on the town ANY TIME BRUTHA.

                                        Full disclosure: all examples based on real-life situations and the actual men that are in my life (ie: father, brothers—I’ve got six of them, fiancé, guy friends, coworkers, etc) so don’t go throwing me under the bus by saying that you’re different.

When it comes down to it, I love being a woman. I can use a magic coloring stick to make my acne disappear, I smell like flowers and unicorns 24/7, I’m almost never the big spoon (see about that here), and nobody will come knocking down my door to ask questions if I want to watch The Vow, Dear John and A Walk To Remember all in a row.

Life is all about balance, my friends. Be a man when it’s time to be a man, but be a woman when you need to be a woman (last interjection, Lyss has some funny things to say in that regard).

Standard
Fashion

3 Makeup Crimes You Can Commit

Image

Everyone hates keeping up with fashion faux pas throughout the years. No white shoes after Labor Day, no smokey eye at the same time as red lipstick… But some of these things actually rock and you should embrace being a makeup criminal.

Wearing blush & bronzer at the same time

This is just absurd. I only recently discovered that this is a fashion rule. I’m sorry but my Bare Minerals Warmth and MAC Mineralize Blush in Love Thing are AMAZING together and I will never give them up. As long as you don’t look like a Dorito that got into mommy’s vanity, I won’t judge you. Rouge on, my lovelies!

Clumpy lashes

Va-va-va-voom! Volume, thickness and even clumps are sexy. Nobody likes creepy, long and thin lashes unless you’re Elvira; and you’re not. Everybody knows that your eye makeup looks best after a long (or short and drunken) night of slumber. The easiest way to take care of that is wet a Q-tip, run it under your lower lashes to get rid of smudges and then apply another glorious coat of MAC Plush Lash in Plushblack. Rock your walk of shame.

Nude Lips

I went to the beauty counter at Macy’s because I was on a mission to find the perfect shade of nude. I had a few ideas of what I wanted, but wanted to try some out before I invested. You know what the lady at the counter told me? She said nude lips look weird. NO LADY YOU LOOK WEIRD. I am on a never-ending quest to be that perfectly put together blonde girl you see all over Tumblr (damn you, Cara); and that must be done with nude lipstick. She tried convincing me to get a flushed pink or coral and I was totally conned into buying some NARS lip gloss that I didn’t even want. Own your naked colored lips. Own them.

Standard
Humor

What Your Smoke of Choice Says About You

cigarette

Camel Turkish Golds

You probably look and/or act like a leprechaun and it is very possible that you’re more prone to love people with freckles. Some people might refer to you as a monkey. You enjoy being the little spoon and spend lots of time watching underground horror films on Netflix.

Marlboro Reds

Similar to those who smoke Turkish Golds, you enjoy lazy nights in. 30% of your diet is probably delivery Chinese food. You can pull off any hair style/color and you’re a real straight shooter. You are naturally good in school and have a “h8rz gonna h8” kind of attitude.

Camel Menthols

You are most likely easy-going, mild personality and not too crazy. You have a tendency to be indecisive. You like the simple but finer things in life and can carry a semi-dignified conversation. Your biggest downfall is that you like cheap beer.

Camel Menthol Silvers

You add a little bit of pep in your step when you realize there are still basic bitches smoking plain menthols. But you… you smoke silvers. This entails that you are one classy motherfucker. Your “non-smoking” friends usually bum from you, since everyone likes a classic and mild cigarette.

American Spirits

Basically, you want everyone to like you and for some reason, you think these will do the trick. Lots of Europeans smoke these so maybe you want people to think you’re cultured. But in reality, they’re popular across the pond because they have ‘America’ in the name so it seems cool to them. Cigar-ception.

Newports/Paul Malls

You like menthol but don’t feel like paying the extra dollar or two it costs to buy Camels—or you just want to appear hipster even if you can afford them. And since you enjoy the sensation of charred minty freshness in your throat, you probably also enjoy piss water such as PBR or Keystone Light.

Nat Shermans

If you shell out twice the price per pack for an extra skinny smoke, go you. Advertised as “The World’s Most Elegant Cigarette” clearly you are Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart’s secret millennial love child. Extra fancy-points if you choose Fantasias every now and again.

Black & Milds/Swishers

You probably started smoking these in high school because they were readily available since their rolling paper has a stigma for being used for other things. They taste nice and have as much tobacco in one as an entire pack of cigarettes. You will remain in this smoking rut until someone introduces you to a real brand.

Cigars/Pipe Tobacco

You were born 70 years too late & probably wear a fedora.

Standard
Humor

What My Dorm Room Says About Me

Red Single Cup Coffee Maker

Obviously this implies that I am addicted to caffeine, but that goes without saying. Complete with mini Godiva flavored coffee beans; this glorious contraption keeps me sane in an environment that could easily turn me into a psychopath.

“Murray Better Hurry” Neon Poster

This will tell you that I am dedicated to supporting my cheetah-speed runner of a fiancé. Although, after we get married and I am waving it back and forth during the next Commander’s Cup, I’ll probably look silly since my nametapes will match the sign. So this might prove me to actually be crazy, despite my coffee machine.

Zebra Print Fleece Throw

I like to live on the edge but also be warm and cozy while I’m busy being exciting and adventurous (cuddled up on the couch while watching American Horror Story, of course).

Twinnings of London Extra Spicy Chai

This kind of just announces to the world that I know what life is about.

Honey

This could either denote that I get a lot of sore throats, or that I am sweet (yeah, let’s go with that one).

Pink Metallic iHome

Obviously this just screams “I like to party”. And by “party” I mean take extended naps to the tune of Ed Sheeran and The Shins.

Iron/Ironing Board/Faultless Heavy Starch

This practically shouts to the world that I care about what my clothes (and in turn, myself) look like! Well… maybe not clothes so much as my uniforms. And maybe I’m not really particular on looking awesome while in uniform, I just don’t want to get yelled at for looking like a shitbag.

Filigree Black and White Lamp

Clearly, I am just extremely courteous to my roommate while being stylish at the same time.

Standard