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Six Months Ago

I was in the living room of my high school best friend, spending time with my Maid of Honor and her mother. It was late, rainy, and my feet were tired from breaking in my wedding shoes. The rehearsal dinner was filling, the coffee and dessert afterward was the perfect “Welcome Home” to Portland.

Six months ago was my last day under my maiden name, my last day before tying myself to my best friend for forever. I was nervous, excited and hopeful. We spent the whole night talking about you and I.

Nineteen months ago, we met. When I met you, I wasn’t planning to fall in love. I wasn’t even looking for a new best friend, but you changed all that. The attraction was electric and unexpected.

Here we are now with our future at our feet. Six months and yet it feels like an eternity. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. There’s not a single place on this Earth other than in your arms that I would rather be. Families blended, friends were made and two lives have been joined. You make me want to be better, for myself and for you. Your voice can light up my whole heart and soul with one word. You are my peace of mind when I’m caught in a storm. You really are the half of me that is better.

We’re not perfect, and we both make mistakes. Sometimes I say the wrong thing, and sometimes you just don’t understand. But we’re silly, and always each others’ best friend. We continue to grow together and discover new things about one another. I can’t imagine a life without you and soon, these six months will be a year, and then that year will turn into twenty. I don’t know where we’ll end up or how life will go, but I’ll be by your side and you’ll be at mine.

Six months ago,

my life changed forever, for the better.

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Love

To you, for loving me.

You love me when I’m happy, when it’s easy. When I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe or, dare I say it, I snort. When I’m cuddly and kissy and just want to be touched. When I’m joking and watching so-bad-its-funny horror movies with you and scratching your head, back or various other body parts.

You love me when I’m sad. Not just sad, but like… pathetically sobbing, feeling like I’ll never be okay again sad. When all I do is push you away. When I can’t see and my nose is running and I am just an all-around crabby little asshole. When I have no goddamn clue why I’m in hysterics, you love me anyway.

You love me when I’m feeling fat. When I pull and tag at every bit of chub and loose skin, as if pulling it tight will make it stay that way. When I can’t fit into my jeans, so I wear the same pair of sweatpants every day consecutively for like a week. When I have to try on everything in my closet and have a full-out temper tantrum because I don’t like my body or anything I own to cover it up. You love me when I’ve gained ten pounds, even though I might as well have gained 100 with the way I’m acting.

You love me when I try to lose 30 pounds. When I’m supposed to diet and you’re supposed to be “helping” me, but every time you open your mouth about it I get super offended and bite your friggin’ head off. You love me when I fail, and when I complain about the gym. You love me even though I’m intolerable when I’m hungry.

You love me when I get mad at you for making jokes about other girls. When I get so jealous that even I can’t stand myself. When I can’t take a joke, or freak out about you calling me a mean name in a totally 100% joking manner.

You love me when I’m crazy. Wedding crazy. Baby crazy. Puppy crazy. ALL the crazy. When I’ve spent the past two hours obsessing to you over something you don’t give a single crap about. When I makes plans for us that you want no part of, you go anyway.

You love me when I say stupid things and hurt you. When it blows up, way out of proportion, into a screaming match. You love me when I apologize profusely, even though most of the time you know it won’t change. When you know it will happen again. You love me when it takes me a long time to get over it, and when it takes you a long time to get over it.

You love me when I can’t keep my hands off you. When I’m high on you. When all I want is be next to you for the rest of forever.

You love me whether it is easy or hard. Whether I deserve it or not. All the time.

You love me. And I love you. Unconditionally.

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Life

Things We’re Thankful for This Thanksgiving

Not being sad cat ladies.

(Okay, Emily might be a cat lady… in a future life. But at least she isn’t sad.)

Two beautiful men who want to marry each of us and still love us despite all our quirks and bitch fits.

A home-cooked meal after over a year of eating in a military dining facility.

Pie. Always pie.

Being comfortable in our bodies (dare I say it, feeling sexy), without obsessing over every little flaw.

Our ability to handle loss and still be able to put a smile on our faces most of the time.

Our steady paychecks, even if we’d rather saw our arms off than do the job that comes with it.

Lyss: My mom, who paid for my trip home this Christmas.

Emily: My mom, who is helping me plan a wedding while we’re both stationed away from home.

A small amount of friends who care, without whom we would never get anywhere.

Coffee. Caffeine.

The ability to speak our minds and express ourselves in any way we see fit.

Four days off from work.

This video, because kids are perfect.

Puppies! Even if we don’t have any.

Hey thanks, Pilgrims & Indians.

What are you thankful for?

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Humor, Life

The Niagara Falls That is Consistently Flowing From My Tear Ducts

Secondary title: Why I Should Really Learn to Man Up and Stop Crying Like a Little Bitch.

You might be offended by my use of the term man up, but in all honesty, I’m not the most politically correct person. When it comes to sexism I find it hard to be. If a guy starts whining about something retarded, I’m always going to refer to him as a little girl. And when I say man up, I mean it.

How often do you see a man crying his eyes out? Probably less frequently than you get a hair cut. And I used to think that it was because society says they can’t… I’m not so sure I buy that anymore. I think they just have a lot healthier ways of dealing with stress.

If you don’t know me already, one could say I’m a leaky faucet. When I’m sad, I cry. When I’m angry, I cry. When I’m stressed, I cry. When I’m overly tired… You get the point. Yesterday I cried at a YouTube video of a dog surfing with a quadriplegic. I actually have cried over literal spilled milk.

It used to make me feel like I was weak. Now it just makes me annoyed with myself. Like, life would be a lot easier to handle if my eyes weren’t too watery to see and I could breathe. But I can’t stop. Without fail, I just break into tears to the point of hyperventilation.

I wish I was different.

I feel like if I didn’t cry so much it might actually mean something more. I don’t want to be a man. I have no hate for women. I just think that our hormones are bullshit. No, I’m not PMSing asshole, I’m just a crybaby all the time thanks.

Just like… Eyeballs can you not? Can we strike some kind of deal?

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Life

How Life Changes After Losing A Loved One

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Loss. Death. Tragedy. Most people are familiar with these words and do not connect them to happy thoughts. Chances are, someone you know has passed away. It’s rough. It’s tough. Sometimes it can be downright torture. You continue to see their bright smile or hear their sweet voice ringing in the back of your mind. But it’s not all bad. You must be thinking, “Benefitting from experiencing a loss? She’s insane.” Okay, I might be just a little bit. But hear me out.

Two words: motivated & dedicated.

“The only cure for grief is action.”

            – G.H. Lewes

Have you ever excelled in something so much as you have after realizing life is too short to be a slacker? Chances are, your answer is no. It usually ends up being even more special if it’s something your late loved one enjoyed, supported, or at the very least, knew about. You might feel compelled to make a serious attempt at work, school or one of your relationships with someone.

You can immensely better your life after the grieving stage is over by going out and just straight up conquering the world.

You are as strong as your worst memory.

Think about the girl with the perfect body and a life you could only ever dream about handed to her on a silver platter. Think about how her family is happy and functional and loving; how her parents are still together; how she gets whatever she wants at the snap of her perfectly manicured finger.

Now think about how she would react if anything bad happened. The Yorkie pup that spends 6 hours a day in her Coach tote gets ran over. She’s a mess—doesn’t know what to do or how she can go on in life. Hell, even a broken nail could ruin her week.

You’re stronger than that. You can pick up the pieces when life throws fine china at the wall. You’ve endured things that Barbie can’t imagine in her worst nightmares. Car gets totaled? Hey, it’s all right—you’ve got insurance. You get fired from your job? Mom’s got a small business on the side; she’ll help you out for a few weeks. After losing a loved one, obstacles in life will forever seem miniscule.

You enable yourself to love deeper and stronger than ever before.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

                                                
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This hardly needs an explanation. You just feel more bound to give your heart to people. Loss opened so many doors for me—and I don’t mean that to sound morbid.  I am so warm and caring, I truly want what’s best for the people in my life.  My best friends, my parents, my fiancé, my brothers… They all know I would do anything at the drop of a dime for any one of them. And the secret to this is to never expect anything in return. When you dish out your open emotional embrace, people will naturally want to love you back. What’s that saying about catching flies with honey and not vinegar? Yeah. That.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I can’t even tell you if it will ever get any easier. My nephew’s third birthday is about a week and a half away. He passed away from LVNC when he was a day old. Every holiday season, it tears me apart. But I know my life is better having known such a beautifully blessed baby could be born into this crazy world— and I have the world’s best support system getting me through it. If you’ve lost somebody, (especially recently) my heart goes out to you. Keep doing everything you can to stay happy. It will help you indefinitely after this is all over. You don’t have to forget them, but always keep pushing.

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature’s delight”


- Marcus Aurelius

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