Life

Things We’re Thankful for This Thanksgiving

Not being sad cat ladies.

(Okay, Emily might be a cat lady… in a future life. But at least she isn’t sad.)

Two beautiful men who want to marry each of us and still love us despite all our quirks and bitch fits.

A home-cooked meal after over a year of eating in a military dining facility.

Pie. Always pie.

Being comfortable in our bodies (dare I say it, feeling sexy), without obsessing over every little flaw.

Our ability to handle loss and still be able to put a smile on our faces most of the time.

Our steady paychecks, even if we’d rather saw our arms off than do the job that comes with it.

Lyss: My mom, who paid for my trip home this Christmas.

Emily: My mom, who is helping me plan a wedding while we’re both stationed away from home.

A small amount of friends who care, without whom we would never get anywhere.

Coffee. Caffeine.

The ability to speak our minds and express ourselves in any way we see fit.

Four days off from work.

This video, because kids are perfect.

Puppies! Even if we don’t have any.

Hey thanks, Pilgrims & Indians.

What are you thankful for?

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Humor

The Weird Shit You Do on the Internet That You Don’t Want Your Boyfriend to See

Or maybe you do, but only if he’s oddly into it. If he doesn’t see you as a obsessive freak, and thinks it’s strangely endearing. If you have that guy, keep him!

You’re not engaged, but you have 3 different wedding registries at Macy’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Target. Plus, you may or may not have just started your dream registry at Pottery Barn.

There’s no bun in your oven, but you’ve got a BabyList, complete with the details down to which cloth dipes you’re planning on buying.

Your One Direction fan blog. There is literally no cure for the embarrassment your creepy obsession with British teenagers is going to earn you.

That porno you skimmed through last week trying to inspire some creativity in the bedroom. Turns out you don’t really want to try any of those sexual acts with the names you can’t figure out like donkey punches and cream pies. What.

Your Google history, including every last embarrassing question. Early pregnancy symptoms, what to wear to impress your boyfriend on a date, weird body odors… all of it.

Your wedding board on Pinterest. The ring, the dress, the colors. You swear he’s going to propose any day now… wait, you don’t even have a boyfriend?

The list of things you’ve recently watched on Hulu Plus or Netflix. Maybe you spent 13 hours watching Glee reruns last weekend. Oops.

How much money you actually spent online shopping. No babe, it was totally on sale!

The constant internet stalking of every one of his exes. Haha, she got fat. And her new boyfriend is ugly. No shame.

How many selfies it actually takes to get the perfect one for Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and god knows what other social media sites are in existence. Sure, he thinks you’re pretty in that sweet new #SelfieSunday you posted, but if only he could see your outtakes. So seductive.

Just bury your head now.

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Life

Reasons I Would Prefer To Be A Man

 

Almost all the ideas we have about being a man or being a woman are so burdened with pain, anxiety, fear and self-doubt. For many of us, the confusion around this question is excruciating.” -Andrew Cohen

 mars

Men always complain about how cool it would be to have boobs to look at, you can make yourself more attractive with beauty products and a vast majority of other reasons. I’m perfectly content being a woman, but IMHO, being a dude has some pretty great advantages.

 

ABS COME SO NATURALLY

Women are so so so self-conscious about that little ring of pudge that hides right below our belly button. Did you know it’s biologically and chemically engrained in our hormones that it needs to be there? Even in the skinniest of girls, Mother Nature wants there to be a little pillow of warmth for when it comes time to bear a child. So unless you eat ice cubes and celery for six months while simultaneously spending 19 hours in the gym every day (you need like, at least 5 hours of sleep… right?) IT WILL BE THERE. Guys can run a few times a week and *bam* six-pack. I bite my thumb at you, Mother Nature.

NOBODY JUDGES YOU FOR LIKING SPORTS

I don’t know why it’s become a thing, but girls bite other girls’ heads off if she enjoys watching sports. Apparently, if you have a vagina, you can’t actually be interested in pigskins and wide receivers without be trying to blatantly impress a man. WROOOOONG. I can talk circles around my fiancé when it comes to sports, he’s more of a computer guy. Traditional interest, shmaditional shminterest. Why does it matter if girls want to sit down on a Saturday morning and finish a whole pan of 7-layer-bean dip while her Alma Mater destroys the rival team? It shouldn’t. Granted, there are some special bimbo offenders who can look up a few stats and regurgitate RedZone or Sports Center just to seem cute, but most of us could give two flying fishes if a dude notices we’re into the game. Some girls like sports, get over it.

THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET

Sorry not sorry, but I have to state the obvious. YOU CAN PEE WHEREVER YOU WANT. For women, it’s like a crash course that most of us never got—peeing anywhere other than a toilet is extremely difficult, and usually messy. If you get drunk and stumble out of the bar into an alley, as long as there aren’t cops around, you’re free to let it flow. However, girls’ use of the restroom (especially in bars) is near impossible. Not to mention, females flock to the bathroom in fucking herds. “I need to powder my nose and check if it’s time to change my tampon, I need my seven closest girl friends, my mother-in-law, probably my pet tortoise and a few doves for moral support.” Cheese and rice ladies, put your big girl panties on (or… take them off, I guess) and pee by yourself.

YOU CAN LITERALLY ROLL OUT OF BED

Every living, breathing, warm-blooded woman is a sucker for a sexy guy with bed head, tired eyes and a sleepy voice. Even when girls want to have the “just woke up and rolled out of bed” look, it takes like half an hour to accomplish. That messy bun? She re-messed it approximately four times until it did exactly what she wanted. Puffy lips and glowy eyes don’t just happen in real life—except maybe Cara Delevingne and Kate Upton. We might be angels in your mind, but trust me, we have to work to get there. My main problem with this is being in the military, men can shave the night before and wake up 10 minutes before they need to leave for work just to get into uniform. We have to make our hair perfect, and most of us wear makeup so we don’t look like complete trolls in our camis. Getting ready all around is just a time-consuming task and should probably be qualified as hard labor. Which brings me to my next point…

FROM SHOWER TO OUT THE DOOR TAKES 30 MINUTES

Obviously, this is a general blanket statement. Some guys only take 7 minutes, some take 45 (think Ted Mosby in HIMYM doing his hair before he leaves the apartment… pitiful). Even when men try to take a long time to get ready, there is just a sheer lack of numbers on your possible to-do list. We have to shower, shave, lotion, blow dry, style, brush teeth, do makeup, pick an outfit, put on perfume, and then do the last primping and fluffing. Guys have to shower, (maybe shave), cologne, throw on clothes, possibly use a little product on your hair, brush your teeth, then go. We don’t want to do these things. Nobody wants to spend 2 hours from start to finish, only to be outside of the house for the same time it took to get ready. Society makes us do it. I’ll take a lazy day where the extent of my adventures are bumming it to Safeway for some Karamel Sutra and a RedBox movie over a fancy, glamorous evening on the town ANY TIME BRUTHA.

                                        Full disclosure: all examples based on real-life situations and the actual men that are in my life (ie: father, brothers—I’ve got six of them, fiancé, guy friends, coworkers, etc) so don’t go throwing me under the bus by saying that you’re different.

When it comes down to it, I love being a woman. I can use a magic coloring stick to make my acne disappear, I smell like flowers and unicorns 24/7, I’m almost never the big spoon (see about that here), and nobody will come knocking down my door to ask questions if I want to watch The Vow, Dear John and A Walk To Remember all in a row.

Life is all about balance, my friends. Be a man when it’s time to be a man, but be a woman when you need to be a woman (last interjection, Lyss has some funny things to say in that regard).

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Humor, Life

8 Reasons Quitting Smoking is Harder Than Organic Chemistry

In all fairness, this has nothing to organic chemistry. I just had less trouble passing that devil class than I have in my various attempts at kicking this habit.

1. You replace the cigarette habit with other habits, which most often are worse than the original addiction.

No cigarettes? No problem! You’ll just buy four bags of chips, six chocolate bars, and two 20 ounce red bulls instead. Sugar free red bulls though, gotta watch your figure.

2. It’s almost impossible for a smoker to not smoke while drinking.

Drinks with the girls. Two jack and cokes in and you’re itching to step out and light up. Then your BFF Emily pulls a pack of camel menthol silvers out of her purse and starts packing them at the table, asking if anyone’s got a lighter. You’re done for.

3. Cigarettes in traffic.

The freeway is backed up for miles and your only instinct is to roll the window down, turn the music up, and smoke the stress away.

4. Cigarettes when you’re falling asleep while driving.

The windows down and music up just aren’t enough to keep you awake. You need that buzz. You resist the urge and next thing you know you’re swerving into the other lane.

5. All of your friends are smokers.

Who the hell do you sit with at the table in the restaurant when you’re out to dinner and every single person excuses themselves for a smoke? Haha you’re alone at BDubs, loser.

6. It’s easy to stop if you have a legit reason, but if you just want to stop cause it’s “healthier,” good fricken luck.

You’re knocked up? You’re sick as a dog? Your mom is in town and she doesn’t know you’re a friggin ashtray? No problem. Smoking just isn’t a thing. You want to quit because, you know, it’s healthy? Hahahahahaah. That’s amusing.

7. Somebody offers you one and you don’t want to be impolite.

You’re bestie needs a buddy to smoke, right? She can’t smoke alone. That’s like leaving her prone to attacks or something.

8. Cigarettes are your stress buster.

Everyone you work with is pissing you off, and you would normally go outside for a breather and a cigarette. Now what?

Screw this, give me a cigarette.

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Humor, Life

The Niagara Falls That is Consistently Flowing From My Tear Ducts

Secondary title: Why I Should Really Learn to Man Up and Stop Crying Like a Little Bitch.

You might be offended by my use of the term man up, but in all honesty, I’m not the most politically correct person. When it comes to sexism I find it hard to be. If a guy starts whining about something retarded, I’m always going to refer to him as a little girl. And when I say man up, I mean it.

How often do you see a man crying his eyes out? Probably less frequently than you get a hair cut. And I used to think that it was because society says they can’t… I’m not so sure I buy that anymore. I think they just have a lot healthier ways of dealing with stress.

If you don’t know me already, one could say I’m a leaky faucet. When I’m sad, I cry. When I’m angry, I cry. When I’m stressed, I cry. When I’m overly tired… You get the point. Yesterday I cried at a YouTube video of a dog surfing with a quadriplegic. I actually have cried over literal spilled milk.

It used to make me feel like I was weak. Now it just makes me annoyed with myself. Like, life would be a lot easier to handle if my eyes weren’t too watery to see and I could breathe. But I can’t stop. Without fail, I just break into tears to the point of hyperventilation.

I wish I was different.

I feel like if I didn’t cry so much it might actually mean something more. I don’t want to be a man. I have no hate for women. I just think that our hormones are bullshit. No, I’m not PMSing asshole, I’m just a crybaby all the time thanks.

Just like… Eyeballs can you not? Can we strike some kind of deal?

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Life

Things I’m Determined To Do In My Twenties

Today is my 20th birthday and while excited for the years ahead with my amazing husband-to-be, friends, family and coworkers—I can’t help but realize how adventurous and exciting my teen years were. Shouldn’t my twenties be even more so? I mean… I started driving, traveled Europe, graduated high school, joined the Air Force, fell in love and got engaged, so now what? How do I top myself?

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QUIT GIVING A FLYING FUCK

Well… to be more specific, giving a flying fuck about the opinions that belong to those who don’t matter to me. I spent a lot of time in my teens pining over how much people did or didn’t like me. I’m a grown ass woman with my entire career ahead of me—why should I care what petty little girls (or guys, for that matter) have to say about me? That’s right, I shouldn’t. And neither should you!

BE MORE HONEST WITH MYSELF

I will cut back on smoking. I’m going to run more often. I am definitely going to stop eating so many Swiss Cake Rolls. You know what? Maybe some days I don’t feel like going to the gym. That day may also happen to be the day where I smoke like a chimney and inhale a Little Debbie chocolate coated ball of glory. OH WELL GRANNY PANTIES GET OVER IT. I’m a generally healthy person—being as my job requires me to be. But we’re young. We have to live a little!

MANAGE MY FINANCES MORE RESPONSIBLY

Getting married is obviously going to shake things up a bit. Jason and I will get promoted within about a year of being married, which is good. More money is always good. And we’ll be getting BAH which is also good because we won’t need to use all of it for rent, and will just have more cushion – financially speaking of course. But that doesn’t mean we can live above our means; I have a car payment, he has credit card bills, we both have cell phones and we’ll start to live like real grownups! I want to have a large chunk of savings if anything were to happen to either of us, and so we can plan for kids in the future! My parents were always superb at keeping their budget in check. I only hope we can be like that!

RAISE A DOG AS OUR OWN

I know I mentioned children, but that will be a few years before we decide to have one. How do I balance that feeling? PUPPIES of course! Our job deploys a lot and we both spend 7+ hours away from home per day, but I recently discovered Pointadors. They may just be one of the most adorable breeds of dog I’ve ever laid eyes on. Growing up in a big family, I never really had an animal that thought of me as mom. It’s just a good feeling, you know?

I’ll just leave this here…

pup

Lastly…

BE THE BEST WIFE EVER

Jason is the best thing to ever happen to me. He is everything I’m not, my better half. Nobody has ever shown me how to love the way that he does. I am so lucky to have him and want to spend the next decade (and many more after that!) showing him how much he means to me. I can’t wait to cook dinner for him every night or rub his back after a long day at work. Seeing that our wedding is only 34 days away, I don’t have much more time to figure out how to be awesome. Luckily, he thinks I already am.

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Life, Music

“I’m an Uncultured Swine.”

They’re called classics because everyone likes them, right? Well maybe it’s just the rebel in me that says “Fuqqqq dat.” I have always had a problem with someone telling me to like something just because everyone else does. Music. Films. Art. Books.

I’m not an uncultured swine or anything. I read, I paint and appreciate art, I’m big on films, and yes, I get made fun of because I call them “films” instead of “movies.” But I don’t believe that things are better because they’re old. I don’t buy in to “tested and true.” If I’m ordering something off Amazon, I read the reviews of course, but that doesn’t apply to culture. If I like it, I like it. I don’t care if Shakespeare wrote it. That’s like only buying a purse because it’s Louis Vuitton. It’s still hideous even if the label is in French.

So I propose we throw away the old ideas of what literature or art should be, and we compose our own list of new “classics.” This is mine. And I highly encourage you to reply with your own. I love to share things I’m passionate about, and maybe I’ll acquire new favorites from you.

BOOKS

“Outrageous Fortune” and “Love in the Time of Fridges” by Tim Scott

I love Science Fiction books, and these are sciency, mixed with a humor that works for me.

“Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT judge this book based on the movie. That was such a disappointment and I assure you the book is not.

“The Hunger Games,” “Catching Fire,” and NOT “Mockingjay” by Suzanne Collins

If you haven’t already read this series, I don’t know what you’ve been doing…

Anything by John Green

More specifically “The Fault in Our Stars,” “Looking for Alaska,” “Paper Towns,” and “An Abundance of Katherines.” John Green is just my soul sister. I can’t even. TFioS made me unbelievably sad in the best way. He has a way with words that in my opinion is unmatched.

“House of Leaves” by Mark Danielewski

This book is a mess quite literally. It will have you flipping your book in all directions trying to read mixed up print and make sense of craziness. But it’s probably the most haunting book I’ve ever read. You’ll find yourself staring into the darkness just a little bit longer…

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky

Sad and relatable and emotional and just read it.

“Go Ask Alice” by Anonymous

An old diary-type, true and anonymous book about drug use and growing up. I think I read it like 4 times.

FILMS

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

There are just so many quotes from this one that I insisted on making my buddy info and away messages for like forever. I don’t even like Jim Carrey, but trust me on this one.

Crash

Just. So. Good.

500 Days of Summer

JGL is just… I can’t.

American History X

I don’t even know what to say. Its gripping, offensive, redeeming, shocking.

Warrior

Because Tom Hardy. Bye.

Pan’s Labyrinth

Guillermo del Toro is a genius. ‘Nuff said.

Super

So weird and strange and sad and perfect.

Anchorman

Because not every option has to be deep, okay? Best one-liners in the history of ever.

V for Vendetta

Everyone loves a bald Natalie Portman.

Like Crazy

I can’t even tell you how much I cried.

Blue Valentine

So… real.

MUSIC

Bon Iver’s “For Emma, Long Ago” Album

I did yoga to this whole album for all of college. It doesn’t get old.

Everything Brand New Ever Released

I’m a little emo kid. Sue me.

The Lumineers’ Self-Titled Album

I keep thinking I’ll tire of this. I don’t.

Say Anything’s “…Is A Real Boy” Album

Sure it’s old as hell, but I still don’t dislike a single song on it.

Noah Gundersen’s “Family” Album

Try to hate it, go ahead.

ARTISTS

Lee Price

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Yeah that is a painting, not a photo.

Alyssa Monks

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Again, painting. Not photo. Blows my mind.

Matt Wisniewski

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Mark Demsteader

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Rebecca Campbell

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Single-handedly taught me to use color in oil painting.

These are my new “classics.” Share yours with me!

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