Things We’re Thankful for This Thanksgiving

Not being sad cat ladies.

(Okay, Emily might be a cat lady… in a future life. But at least she isn’t sad.)

Two beautiful men who want to marry each of us and still love us despite all our quirks and bitch fits.

A home-cooked meal after over a year of eating in a military dining facility.

Pie. Always pie.

Being comfortable in our bodies (dare I say it, feeling sexy), without obsessing over every little flaw.

Our ability to handle loss and still be able to put a smile on our faces most of the time.

Our steady paychecks, even if we’d rather saw our arms off than do the job that comes with it.

Lyss: My mom, who paid for my trip home this Christmas.

Emily: My mom, who is helping me plan a wedding while we’re both stationed away from home.

A small amount of friends who care, without whom we would never get anywhere.

Coffee. Caffeine.

The ability to speak our minds and express ourselves in any way we see fit.

Four days off from work.

This video, because kids are perfect.

Puppies! Even if we don’t have any.

Hey thanks, Pilgrims & Indians.

What are you thankful for?

The Weird Shit You Do on the Internet That You Don’t Want Your Boyfriend to See

Or maybe you do, but only if he’s oddly into it. If he doesn’t see you as a obsessive freak, and thinks it’s strangely endearing. If you have that guy, keep him!

You’re not engaged, but you have 3 different wedding registries at Macy’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Target. Plus, you may or may not have just started your dream registry at Pottery Barn.

There’s no bun in your oven, but you’ve got a BabyList, complete with the details down to which cloth dipes you’re planning on buying.

Your One Direction fan blog. There is literally no cure for the embarrassment your creepy obsession with British teenagers is going to earn you.

That porno you skimmed through last week trying to inspire some creativity in the bedroom. Turns out you don’t really want to try any of those sexual acts with the names you can’t figure out like donkey punches and cream pies. What.

Your Google history, including every last embarrassing question. Early pregnancy symptoms, what to wear to impress your boyfriend on a date, weird body odors… all of it.

Your wedding board on Pinterest. The ring, the dress, the colors. You swear he’s going to propose any day now… wait, you don’t even have a boyfriend?

The list of things you’ve recently watched on Hulu Plus or Netflix. Maybe you spent 13 hours watching Glee reruns last weekend. Oops.

How much money you actually spent online shopping. No babe, it was totally on sale!

The constant internet stalking of every one of his exes. Haha, she got fat. And her new boyfriend is ugly. No shame.

How many selfies it actually takes to get the perfect one for Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and god knows what other social media sites are in existence. Sure, he thinks you’re pretty in that sweet new #SelfieSunday you posted, but if only he could see your outtakes. So seductive.

Just bury your head now.

Reasons I Would Prefer To Be A Man

 

“Almost all the ideas we have about being a man or being a woman are so burdened with pain, anxiety, fear and self-doubt. For many of us, the confusion around this question is excruciating.” -Andrew Cohen

 

Men always complain about how cool it would be to have boobs to look at, you can make yourself more attractive with beauty products and a vast majority of other reasons. I’m perfectly content being a woman, but IMHO, being a dude has some pretty great advantages.

 

ABS COME SO NATURALLY

Women are so so so self-conscious about that little ring of pudge that hides right below our belly button. Did you know it’s biologically and chemically engrained in our hormones that it needs to be there? Even in the skinniest of girls, Mother Nature wants there to be a little pillow of warmth for when it comes time to bear a child. So unless you eat ice cubes and celery for six months while simultaneously spending 19 hours in the gym every day (you need like, at least 5 hours of sleep… right?) IT WILL BE THERE. Guys can run a few times a week and *bam* six-pack. I bite my thumb at you, Mother Nature.

NOBODY JUDGES YOU FOR LIKING SPORTS

I don’t know why it’s become a thing, but girls bite other girls’ heads off if she enjoys watching sports. Apparently, if you have a vagina, you can’t actually be interested in pigskins and wide receivers without be trying to blatantly impress a man. WROOOOONG. I can talk circles around my fiancé when it comes to sports, he’s more of a computer guy. Traditional interest, shmaditional shminterest. Why does it matter if girls want to sit down on a Saturday morning and finish a whole pan of 7-layer-bean dip while her Alma Mater destroys the rival team? It shouldn’t. Granted, there are some special bimbo offenders who can look up a few stats and regurgitate RedZone or Sports Center just to seem cute, but most of us could give two flying fishes if a dude notices we’re into the game. Some girls like sports, get over it.

THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET

Sorry not sorry, but I have to state the obvious. YOU CAN PEE WHEREVER YOU WANT. For women, it’s like a crash course that most of us never got—peeing anywhere other than a toilet is extremely difficult, and usually messy. If you get drunk and stumble out of the bar into an alley, as long as there aren’t cops around, you’re free to let it flow. However, girls’ use of the restroom (especially in bars) is near impossible. Not to mention, females flock to the bathroom in fucking herds. “I need to powder my nose and check if it’s time to change my tampon, I need my seven closest girl friends, my mother-in-law, probably my pet tortoise and a few doves for moral support.” Cheese and rice ladies, put your big girl panties on (or… take them off, I guess) and pee by yourself.

YOU CAN LITERALLY ROLL OUT OF BED

Every living, breathing, warm-blooded woman is a sucker for a sexy guy with bed head, tired eyes and a sleepy voice. Even when girls want to have the “just woke up and rolled out of bed” look, it takes like half an hour to accomplish. That messy bun? She re-messed it approximately four times until it did exactly what she wanted. Puffy lips and glowy eyes don’t just happen in real life—except maybe Cara Delevingne and Kate Upton. We might be angels in your mind, but trust me, we have to work to get there. My main problem with this is being in the military, men can shave the night before and wake up 10 minutes before they need to leave for work just to get into uniform. We have to make our hair perfect, and most of us wear makeup so we don’t look like complete trolls in our camis. Getting ready all around is just a time-consuming task and should probably be qualified as hard labor. Which brings me to my next point…

FROM SHOWER TO OUT THE DOOR TAKES 30 MINUTES

Obviously, this is a general blanket statement. Some guys only take 7 minutes, some take 45 (think Ted Mosby in HIMYM doing his hair before he leaves the apartment… pitiful). Even when men try to take a long time to get ready, there is just a sheer lack of numbers on your possible to-do list. We have to shower, shave, lotion, blow dry, style, brush teeth, do makeup, pick an outfit, put on perfume, and then do the last primping and fluffing. Guys have to shower, (maybe shave), cologne, throw on clothes, possibly use a little product on your hair, brush your teeth, then go. We don’t want to do these things. Nobody wants to spend 2 hours from start to finish, only to be outside of the house for the same time it took to get ready. Society makes us do it. I’ll take a lazy day where the extent of my adventures are bumming it to Safeway for some Karamel Sutra and a RedBox movie over a fancy, glamorous evening on the town ANY TIME BRUTHA.

                                        Full disclosure: all examples based on real-life situations and the actual men that are in my life (ie: father, brothers—I’ve got six of them, fiancé, guy friends, coworkers, etc) so don’t go throwing me under the bus by saying that you’re different.

When it comes down to it, I love being a woman. I can use a magic coloring stick to make my acne disappear, I smell like flowers and unicorns 24/7, I’m almost never the big spoon (see about that here), and nobody will come knocking down my door to ask questions if I want to watch The Vow, Dear John and A Walk To Remember all in a row.

Life is all about balance, my friends. Be a man when it’s time to be a man, but be a woman when you need to be a woman (last interjection, Lyss has some funny things to say in that regard).

8 Reasons Quitting Smoking is Harder Than Organic Chemistry

In all fairness, this has nothing to organic chemistry. I just had less trouble passing that devil class than I have in my various attempts at kicking this habit.

1. You replace the cigarette habit with other habits, which most often are worse than the original addiction.

No cigarettes? No problem! You’ll just buy four bags of chips, six chocolate bars, and two 20 ounce red bulls instead. Sugar free red bulls though, gotta watch your figure.

2. It’s almost impossible for a smoker to not smoke while drinking.

Drinks with the girls. Two jack and cokes in and you’re itching to step out and light up. Then your BFF Emily pulls a pack of camel menthol silvers out of her purse and starts packing them at the table, asking if anyone’s got a lighter. You’re done for.

3. Cigarettes in traffic.

The freeway is backed up for miles and your only instinct is to roll the window down, turn the music up, and smoke the stress away.

4. Cigarettes when you’re falling asleep while driving.

The windows down and music up just aren’t enough to keep you awake. You need that buzz. You resist the urge and next thing you know you’re swerving into the other lane.

5. All of your friends are smokers.

Who the hell do you sit with at the table in the restaurant when you’re out to dinner and every single person excuses themselves for a smoke? Haha you’re alone at BDubs, loser.

6. It’s easy to stop if you have a legit reason, but if you just want to stop cause it’s “healthier,” good fricken luck.

You’re knocked up? You’re sick as a dog? Your mom is in town and she doesn’t know you’re a friggin ashtray? No problem. Smoking just isn’t a thing. You want to quit because, you know, it’s healthy? Hahahahahaah. That’s amusing.

7. Somebody offers you one and you don’t want to be impolite.

You’re bestie needs a buddy to smoke, right? She can’t smoke alone. That’s like leaving her prone to attacks or something.

8. Cigarettes are your stress buster.

Everyone you work with is pissing you off, and you would normally go outside for a breather and a cigarette. Now what?

Screw this, give me a cigarette.

The Niagara Falls That is Consistently Flowing From My Tear Ducts

Secondary title: Why I Should Really Learn to Man Up and Stop Crying Like a Little Bitch.

You might be offended by my use of the term man up, but in all honesty, I’m not the most politically correct person. When it comes to sexism I find it hard to be. If a guy starts whining about something retarded, I’m always going to refer to him as a little girl. And when I say man up, I mean it.

How often do you see a man crying his eyes out? Probably less frequently than you get a hair cut. And I used to think that it was because society says they can’t… I’m not so sure I buy that anymore. I think they just have a lot healthier ways of dealing with stress.

If you don’t know me already, one could say I’m a leaky faucet. When I’m sad, I cry. When I’m angry, I cry. When I’m stressed, I cry. When I’m overly tired… You get the point. Yesterday I cried at a YouTube video of a dog surfing with a quadriplegic. I actually have cried over literal spilled milk.

It used to make me feel like I was weak. Now it just makes me annoyed with myself. Like, life would be a lot easier to handle if my eyes weren’t too watery to see and I could breathe. But I can’t stop. Without fail, I just break into tears to the point of hyperventilation.

I wish I was different.

I feel like if I didn’t cry so much it might actually mean something more. I don’t want to be a man. I have no hate for women. I just think that our hormones are bullshit. No, I’m not PMSing asshole, I’m just a crybaby all the time thanks.

Just like… Eyeballs can you not? Can we strike some kind of deal?

Things I’m Determined To Do In My Twenties

Today is my 20^th birthday and while excited for the years ahead with my amazing husband-to-be, friends, family and coworkers—I can’t help but realize how adventurous and exciting my teen years were. Shouldn’t my twenties be even more so? I mean… I started driving, traveled Europe, graduated high school, joined the Air Force, fell in love and got engaged, so now what? How do I top myself?

QUIT GIVING A FLYING FUCK

Well… to be more specific, giving a flying fuck about the opinions that belong to those who don’t matter to me. I spent a lot of time in my teens pining over how much people did or didn’t like me. I’m a grown ass woman with my entire career ahead of me—why should I care what petty little girls (or guys, for that matter) have to say about me? That’s right, I shouldn’t. And neither should you!

BE MORE HONEST WITH MYSELF

I will cut back on smoking. I’m going to run more often. I am definitely going to stop eating so many Swiss Cake Rolls. You know what? Maybe some days I don’t feel like going to the gym. That day may also happen to be the day where I smoke like a chimney and inhale a Little Debbie chocolate coated ball of glory. OH WELL GRANNY PANTIES GET OVER IT. I’m a generally healthy person—being as my job requires me to be. But we’re young. We have to live a little!

MANAGE MY FINANCES MORE RESPONSIBLY

Getting married is obviously going to shake things up a bit. Jason and I will get promoted within about a year of being married, which is good. More money is always good. And we’ll be getting BAH which is also good because we won’t need to use all of it for rent, and will just have more cushion – financially speaking of course. But that doesn’t mean we can live above our means; I have a car payment, he has credit card bills, we both have cell phones and we’ll start to live like real grownups! I want to have a large chunk of savings if anything were to happen to either of us, and so we can plan for kids in the future! My parents were always superb at keeping their budget in check. I only hope we can be like that!

RAISE A DOG AS OUR OWN

I know I mentioned children, but that will be a few years before we decide to have one. How do I balance that feeling? PUPPIES of course! Our job deploys a lot and we both spend 7+ hours away from home per day, but I recently discovered Pointadors. They may just be one of the most adorable breeds of dog I’ve ever laid eyes on. Growing up in a big family, I never really had an animal that thought of me as mom. It’s just a good feeling, you know?

I’ll just leave this here…

Lastly…

BE THE BEST WIFE EVER

Jason is the best thing to ever happen to me. He is everything I’m not, my better half. Nobody has ever shown me how to love the way that he does. I am so lucky to have him and want to spend the next decade (and many more after that!) showing him how much he means to me. I can’t wait to cook dinner for him every night or rub his back after a long day at work. Seeing that our wedding is only 34 days away, I don’t have much more time to figure out how to be awesome. Luckily, he thinks I already am.

“I’m an Uncultured Swine.”

They’re called classics because everyone likes them, right? Well maybe it’s just the rebel in me that says “Fuqqqq dat.” I have always had a problem with someone telling me to like something just because everyone else does. Music. Films. Art. Books.

I’m not an uncultured swine or anything. I read, I paint and appreciate art, I’m big on films, and yes, I get made fun of because I call them “films” instead of “movies.” But I don’t believe that things are better because they’re old. I don’t buy in to “tested and true.” If I’m ordering something off Amazon, I read the reviews of course, but that doesn’t apply to culture. If I like it, I like it. I don’t care if Shakespeare wrote it. That’s like only buying a purse because it’s Louis Vuitton. It’s still hideous even if the label is in French.

So I propose we throw away the old ideas of what literature or art should be, and we compose our own list of new “classics.” This is mine. And I highly encourage you to reply with your own. I love to share things I’m passionate about, and maybe I’ll acquire new favorites from you.

BOOKS

“Outrageous Fortune” and “Love in the Time of Fridges” by Tim Scott

I love Science Fiction books, and these are sciency, mixed with a humor that works for me.

“Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT judge this book based on the movie. That was such a disappointment and I assure you the book is not.

“The Hunger Games,” “Catching Fire,” and NOT “Mockingjay” by Suzanne Collins

If you haven’t already read this series, I don’t know what you’ve been doing…

Anything by John Green

More specifically “The Fault in Our Stars,” “Looking for Alaska,” “Paper Towns,” and “An Abundance of Katherines.” John Green is just my soul sister. I can’t even. TFioS made me unbelievably sad in the best way. He has a way with words that in my opinion is unmatched.

“House of Leaves” by Mark Danielewski

This book is a mess quite literally. It will have you flipping your book in all directions trying to read mixed up print and make sense of craziness. But it’s probably the most haunting book I’ve ever read. You’ll find yourself staring into the darkness just a little bit longer…

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky

Sad and relatable and emotional and just read it.

“Go Ask Alice” by Anonymous

An old diary-type, true and anonymous book about drug use and growing up. I think I read it like 4 times.

FILMS

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

There are just so many quotes from this one that I insisted on making my buddy info and away messages for like forever. I don’t even like Jim Carrey, but trust me on this one.

Crash

Just. So. Good.

500 Days of Summer

JGL is just… I can’t.

American History X

I don’t even know what to say. Its gripping, offensive, redeeming, shocking.

Warrior

Because Tom Hardy. Bye.

Pan’s Labyrinth

Guillermo del Toro is a genius. ‘Nuff said.

Super

So weird and strange and sad and perfect.

Anchorman

Because not every option has to be deep, okay? Best one-liners in the history of ever.

V for Vendetta

Everyone loves a bald Natalie Portman.

Like Crazy

I can’t even tell you how much I cried.

Blue Valentine

So… real.

MUSIC

Bon Iver’s “For Emma, Long Ago” Album

I did yoga to this whole album for all of college. It doesn’t get old.

Everything Brand New Ever Released

I’m a little emo kid. Sue me.

The Lumineers’ Self-Titled Album

I keep thinking I’ll tire of this. I don’t.

Say Anything’s “…Is A Real Boy” Album

Sure it’s old as hell, but I still don’t dislike a single song on it.

Noah Gundersen’s “Family” Album

Try to hate it, go ahead.

ARTISTS

Lee Price

Yeah that is a painting, not a photo.

Alyssa Monks

Again, painting. Not photo. Blows my mind.

Matt Wisniewski

Mark Demsteader

Rebecca Campbell

Single-handedly taught me to use color in oil painting.

These are my new “classics.” Share yours with me!

Cover Songs That Don’t Make Me Want To Die in a Fire

Absolutely inspired by thoughtcatalog‘s 7 Seriously Dope, Outside The Box Covers To Jumpstart Your Weekend, this is a list of covers to make you wish you never heard the original. Seriously, where have you been all my life? Why someone else got famous with these songs is beyond me, and totally blows my mind because, hey fuckers, these are way better.

Boyfriend (Justin Bieber) by Issues

I’m not sure if I enjoy this purely because it’s hysterical or if there’s actually something that works… Either way, fuck you biebs.

Down with the Sickness (Disturbed) by Richard Cheese

There’s is seriously nothing I don’t love about this sweet jazzy bit. Like “get ready to die” just sounds so good being sung out as smooth jazz. Thank my lifelong obsession with horror/zombie films for this one, because Dawn of the Dead was made perfect by this little gem.

I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor) by Cake

I have loved this for many many years, and I’m not stopping any time soon.

Hurt (Nine Inch Nails) by Johnny Cash

Chances are a lot of you didn’t know this was a cover and that’s because it’s freaking brilliant. It’s epic. Dunno why, but it’s chilling. There’s a devastating and quiet sorrow and I just can’t even.

The Pursuit of Happiness (Kid Cudi) by Lissie

Okay this is a bit of an exaggeration because I will never stop loving the original, but she killed it.

We Can’t Stop (Miley Cyrus) by Bastille

Obsessed.

Such Great Heights (The Postal Service) by Iron & Wine

Slow and kind of heartbreaking but a lot prettier than the original, though I still give it up for the postal service. I love when you can appreciate both versions of a cover. (I lied when I said the covers all make you wonder how anyone else did them in the first place, oops)

Valerie (The Zutons) by Amy Winehouse

And in turn, Naya Rivera’s cover too. Because who the heck are the Zutons anyway…

Mad World (Tears for Fears) by Gary Jules

Perfectly creepy.

Got Yo Money (Ol’ Dirty Bastard) by Say Anything

I’m sensing a theme with myself and the hysterical covers of songs that make you realize how ridiculous the originals were in the first place.

Boyz in the Hood (Eazy-E) by Dynamite Hack

Another comical cover of a rap song that works so much better.

I Can’t Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt) by Bon Iver

Hi, okay, most heartbreaking song like ever in the world and universe.

Happy Together (The Turtles) by Filter

From Baz Luhrman’s Great Gatsby… Gives me chills.

Holy Diver (Dio) by Killswitch Engage

Just here for general badassery.

Mirrors (Justin Timberlake) by Ellie Goulding

I just love her, okay?

Skinny Love (Bon Iver) by Birdy
By Emily’s request.

I have a general rule that says don’t you dare fucking touch a Bon iver song because you can’t improve on perfection, but I will allow this. I just pretend it’s a new song so my heart doesn’t break.

You know what, just do yourself a favor and go check out BBC’s Live lounge, because at this point I’m just about to write every song that’s ever been covered on there.

Radio 1’s YouTube channel is here. You can find the Live Lounge playlist from there.

How Life Changes After Losing A Loved One

Loss. Death. Tragedy. Most people are familiar with these words and do not connect them to happy thoughts. Chances are, someone you know has passed away. It’s rough. It’s tough. Sometimes it can be downright torture. You continue to see their bright smile or hear their sweet voice ringing in the back of your mind. But it’s not all bad. You must be thinking, “Benefitting from experiencing a loss? She’s insane.” Okay, I might be just a little bit. But hear me out.

Two words: motivated & dedicated.

“The only cure for grief is action.”

            – G.H. Lewes

Have you ever excelled in something so much as you have after realizing life is too short to be a slacker? Chances are, your answer is no. It usually ends up being even more special if it’s something your late loved one enjoyed, supported, or at the very least, knew about. You might feel compelled to make a serious attempt at work, school or one of your relationships with someone.

You can immensely better your life after the grieving stage is over by going out and just straight up conquering the world.

You are as strong as your worst memory.

Think about the girl with the perfect body and a life you could only ever dream about handed to her on a silver platter. Think about how her family is happy and functional and loving; how her parents are still together; how she gets whatever she wants at the snap of her perfectly manicured finger.

Now think about how she would react if anything bad happened. The Yorkie pup that spends 6 hours a day in her Coach tote gets ran over. She’s a mess—doesn’t know what to do or how she can go on in life. Hell, even a broken nail could ruin her week.

You’re stronger than that. You can pick up the pieces when life throws fine china at the wall. You’ve endured things that Barbie can’t imagine in her worst nightmares. Car gets totaled? Hey, it’s all right—you’ve got insurance. You get fired from your job? Mom’s got a small business on the side; she’ll help you out for a few weeks. After losing a loved one, obstacles in life will forever seem miniscule.

You enable yourself to love deeper and stronger than ever before.

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

                                                
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This hardly needs an explanation. You just feel more bound to give your heart to people. Loss opened so many doors for me—and I don’t mean that to sound morbid.  I am so warm and caring, I truly want what’s best for the people in my life.  My best friends, my parents, my fiancé, my brothers… They all know I would do anything at the drop of a dime for any one of them. And the secret to this is to never expect anything in return. When you dish out your open emotional embrace, people will naturally want to love you back. What’s that saying about catching flies with honey and not vinegar? Yeah. That.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I can’t even tell you if it will ever get any easier. My nephew’s third birthday is about a week and a half away. He passed away from LVNC when he was a day old. Every holiday season, it tears me apart. But I know my life is better having known such a beautifully blessed baby could be born into this crazy world— and I have the world’s best support system getting me through it. If you’ve lost somebody, (especially recently) my heart goes out to you. Keep doing everything you can to stay happy. It will help you indefinitely after this is all over. You don’t have to forget them, but always keep pushing.

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature’s delight”


- Marcus Aurelius

On Apologies

Forgiveness is more than saying sorry.

If you’re not singing the Samantha James Classic from the movie “Just Friends” you’re wrong and I hate you.

Anyway, it’s come to my attention in recent years that I’m actually just a big asshole. That’s not to say I have no redeeming qualities, but the bad bitch struggle is real. And I’m not condemning this life at all, bad bitches, I’m your leader, like Nicki Minaj but pudgy, ginger, and white without the gigantor booty. There are things that shape you into being an asshole. Like years of childhood bullying, months of wild child party life, and finally realizing you just don’t really give half a shit about what 97% of the world population thinks. And let me tell you, it’s empowering. Be Judgey McJudgerson. You go Glen Coco.

I’m 100% down with being an asshole as long as you’re a little bit likable. Be a dick to the right people. I’m sure there’s at least one person you care about, right? Now think about your bad days, your moody days, days where your hair is frizzy and you feel like Shamu… I bet a good portion of those days were spent taking out your anger, your frustration, your sadness, on that one person you like who actually might like you back. Maybe they handle it well most of the time, but this article… This article is for the times they don’t.

Apologies aren’t a one step process. Maybe they should be, but it’s more complicated than that. I think an apology has almost the same stages that loss or grief have. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Allow me to explain.

So you hurt you boyfriend/girlfriend/bestie’s feelings, and now they’re Uma Thurman in Kill Bill pissed. Now what?

Stage 1: Convincing yourself that your actions were completely justified. (Denial)

If you’re anything like me, the first step is a solid defense. Excuses, playing dumb, and blurting out reasons are a few classic moves of this stage of an apology. You’re not saying sorry for a goddamn thing. You didn’t do anything wrong, right?

Stage 2: A fair and even playing field. (Anger)

This stage sucks. This is where you dig up all the old skeletons. The old “well remember that one time you did that one thing that hurt me blah blah blah.” You’ll drag up things that have no place in the argument to further emphasize just how right you were. Smooth move, Casanova.

Stage 3: The non-apology apology. (Bargaining? Okay a bit of a stretch)

You’re still not totally convinced you’re the wrong one in the situation, but you do feel kinda bad that you upset your precious bb. That or you’re a dick who just wants the argument to end. So you spit out the obligatory apology. The “You’re right, I’m sorry.” You probably can’t bring yourself to say much else at this point, because you’re apologizing for making them feel bad, but you’re not ready to apologize for the act itself. This half assed step probably gets you into more shit.

Stage 4: The blubbering mess of “I’m sorry I’m such a piece of shit. I don’t deserve you. I’m worthless and stupid-INSERT MORE SELF HATE HERE.” (Depression)

Here’s where you lose it. You’re crying so hard you can’t breathe and you just desperately crave complete and instantaneous forgiveness. You start hating yourself and whining on about how terrible you are and how much you’ve fucked up and this that and the other thing. It’s probably all bullshit. Tomorrow you’ll think you were a big dumb idiot. But right now you’d say just about anything to get this person to love you unconditionally again. Not to say in that moment you don’t mean it, because oh, you feel every bit.

Stage 5: “Hey, I really am sorry for that thing that I did, and I’m also sorry I handled it like a 13 year old girl on her first period. I love you the most, and hope you will work with me to get past this. (Acceptance)

This is the only stage containing the real apology. The one where both parties acknowledge everything that was done to hurt the other, everything that was intentional, incidental, accidental, whatever. You accept that it happened, accept that you’re both regretting what a big deal it turned out to be, and accept that you’ll work with each other to grow and mend and recover from the crap you just dealt each other.

It might take a while to get through them all, but eventually you will. And you’ll feel like a big dummy. I mean, why can’t I skip right to the end and save myself the trouble? Sometimes you can, and you will. But if you can’t, just refer to the stages and know it’s coming. Know that if you’re a little more in tune with your reactions and emotions, maybe one day you won’t need to mourn in order to apologize. Till then, grieve on.

*Just a quick note, if any of you are actually going through a grieving process, I mean absolutely zero offense. I will not compare trivial arguments to your loss. I know and feel your pain very deeply and I am so sorry you have to go through it.